Expert: Oscar G. - 6/21/2007

Question
Hi.. I've been interested in BDSM for as long as I can remember and only had one small experience in being a sub. I adore being submissive and enjoy many fetishes and would love to expirience more. However, I'm involved with a man that I very much love and wish to marry one day. We're basically engaged and are entirely committed to each other. He knows about my fetishes and fantasies and he enjoys a few himself. He's also willing to learn about it. However, my problem is that he is new to sex entirely, I was his first kiss! I adore him but I can't imagine him being a good Dom because he's gentle, doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't know ANYTHING about it and isn't particularly turned on by most things I want done to me. What should I do? I'm aching to experience being a sub to a good Dom, but I'd never leave him and I don't know if he can be what I need in that area. Is there any way for him to learn how to be dominant at times? I know he's willing to try, but I have no idea how to teach him!
Miserably, Damielle

Answer
Dear Damielle:

The only way to do it depends on his personality and temperament. If he is intellectual and reasonable maybe a couple good books and/or research would help him get started. Also talking and showing him stuff you like, if he is visually inclined could ignite his passions. But at the core the issue is communicating your fantasies and expressing that what he would do for you is  not about pain or abuse, but an elaborate form of foreplay. Something that induces, fosters and develops deeper trust and confidence in both participants.
You have to figure out what his limits are , just as you have your own limits. But also within that find out HIS fantasies. Even without experience he HAS to have wild exotic ideas of what to do with a cute tied up and gagged girl like you (smile). He might be scared or concerned to hurt you with his lack of skills or unsure what you  really like or not. You both have to obtain something out of each experience , as to come back and want to do it all over again, more and more every time.
The best approach if for him to read about the topic. I would suggest you both check Amazon.com together and input "BDSM". There is a plethora of good books and there should be a couple right up to his style and level that could help build and explain good basis for great stuff later on. I have found Wikipedia is also great for research on topics for either sex of BDSM fetishes or activities.
If you are near a big city perhaps there are organizations or societies that cater to your tastes, and be able to interact with couples your age or  others more experienced that could help you develop together.
Other than that, you could make it simple and easy for him to "take advantage of you" in some situations. While i am not aware of your individual tastes, kinks and fetishes, one small suggestion as sample could be to tie yourself for him and let him surprise you tied up (already dressed the way he likes you) with some of your favorite toys and implements laid out for a stranger (but not just any stranger) to use and abuse on you. You know...playful stuff.
Setting up a scene. But it requires communication back and forth between you two.

That is my best take on the situation as I see it, and I hope there are a couple of ideas that will really help you to delve further into your explorations and grow together as a couple.

Best wishes to you both. Be well.
Have fun and be safe,
Oscar G.