Expert: arani_CsA - 4/26/2007

Question
I was wondering about an online BDSM or Dom/sub relationship, such as suggestions for rules and punishments as well as activates that can be done and followed for real but by yourself as its a distance relationship with a view to becoming real.

Answer
Hello...

Some people will say that an on-line relationship isn't "real," that it's just fun and games.  But I will speak from experience, having been in 3 on-line D/s and M/s relationships myself.  And I met my current Master through an on-line message board, conducting a long-distance M/s relationship via e-mail and telephone for a couple of years before we came together.  I will attest that an on-line relationship can be just as real as you are willing to make it.  Personally, i always considered myself just as much a slave as those who served in person, i just served my Master in a different way.

That said, it is much harder to establish and maintain a quality D/s relationship on line.  Again, speaking from personal observation, the average on-line collar lasts about 1 to 3 months.  But I have known a number of on-line Doms who had a very Masterly presence, displayed only in the words they typed.  The key is to make it very clear that you are in control of the situation.  However, that doesn't mean you are constantly barking out orders.  But what it does mean is that you are in control of yourself as well as others, and that you simply expect to be obeyed without question.  It's more a matter of being authoritative rather than being bossy or demanding.

Rituals are very important.  They serve the purpose of constantly reminding the sub that they exist to serve you.  These can be simple or complex, and can include things like requiring her to keep her genitals clean-shaven, having certain specific duties to complete during the day such as meditations and the like, and requiring her to ask your permission before doing things like going out with her friends.  I was required to regularly report, via e-mail, when I woke up as well as when I arrived home from work, went to bed, and so on.  I also had a complex ritual that I was required to complete before bed each night.  

One big problem with enforcing rules in the on-line world is that of knowing for certain that the rules are actually being carried out.  It's very easy for a sub to say she did something, but unless you have a hidden camera in her home it's very hard to know for sure that she really did it.  The same thing goes for punishments.  It's impossible to spank a sub from 500 miles away.  

But you can instill in her such a need to be pleasing that she feels a deep sense of guilt and loss if she hasn't complied with your commands.  I was (and am) very good about tattling on myself, and begging for punishment.  My Master used to require me to bring myself to orgasm so many times that it hurt, and then describing the experience to Him in detail via e-mail.  I've known of some Masters who require their subs to write sentences, but any word processing program has cut and paste features.  Essays work well.  It also helps to have the sub keep a journal, to which you have access.

Here are some good basic resources, which I advise you to check out:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door/Chamber.html

I also suggest that you become involved with a BDSM group that meets in your area.  A good list of groups, by state, can be found at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Even though you will be conducting your relationship on-line, you can get some good advice about how to comport yourself in a dominant manner, without being bombastic about it.

Good luck to you.  If you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius