Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/1/2007

Question
This subject may have been previously addressed.  However, as a realtive new comer to Online/Long Distance D/s, I'd appreciate some pointers in how best to conduct such a realtionship, and in particular hints on  correction & punishment. In addition, what loyalty tasks can you suggest for my sub ?

Answer
Hello,

In many ways a long distance relationship is similar to a face to face one. The main thing to remember is that you're not hearing tone of voice and seeing facial expressions and body movements. You actually lose most of the cues we use for effective communication. So, you need to be sure the meaning you convey or receive is understood correctly. This is especially true if you've not met in person yet. Other than that, behave as you would in any relationship by giving, and expecting, honesty and respect.

You asked about punishment. I'm going to suggest that rather than punish, you find out the reason for the misbehavior. That's usually a better way to keep it from happening again because often the reason can be fixed. Sometimes misbehavior isn't a BDSM problem at all but you don't know if you don't ask. After all, punishment isn't an inherent part of BDSM; it's just a tool you can use in this type of relationship. For me, anyway, the less I have to correct the better the job I'm doing.

On the other hand, there will be times when you need to correct willful and deliberate disobedience. There are all sorts of things you can do that she won't like, simply because you're doing it as discipline. You know better than anyone what she doesn't like but, in general, restrictions, rituals and discomfort, either physical or psychological, are effective. It doesn't have to be BDSM related to be effective. Having her substitute a gym activity she hates for one she loves can make your point as well as having her take cold showers.  

It's important to let your submissive know that you're disappointed in her and that's what's causing you to do whatever it is you opt to do. You don't want to focus on the discipline itself as much as why you're doing it. Correction is different from strictness in play and no one really enjoys it, not the sub, not the dom. It's best to make the point and move on to all the lovely fun things that are part of BDSM.

I've been involved in BDSM for quite a while and I've never heard the term "loyalty tasks." This may be a concept particular to the community with which you're involved. Does this have to do with structure, something you want your submissive to do on a regular schedule to reinforce her obedience to you? If so, I would recommend something that's meaningful to her and easily worked into her daily life. It could be a set of affirmations you write and have her repeat at certain times, it could be watching your favorite television show every week or eating something you specify at certain meals. It could also be something with stronger BDSM overtones, depending on the type of play the two of you do.

That's about all I can tell you with what little I know about you. I realize this may not be as specific as you were hoping. The thing is, people and their relationships are unique. The way they practice BDSM has to allow for that. Something that worked well with my shy guy sub might be useless for someone else's outgoing female sub. I've tried to give you some direction for finding the things that work for the two of you. Give it a try, see where it goes and feel free to come back with additional questions.

Mistress Violette