Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/8/2007

Question
I have constraints which does not allow me to have a rl BDSM life. The best I can think of is an online relationship. Does such a thing exists? Does it make sense? Is it meaningful? I seek your guidance, please?

Answer
Hi, Maximillious,

I think most of us would like to have a RL relationship but the reality is, sometimes that's just not possible. When that's the case, an online relationship can be the next best thing. Yes, they exist, the idea makes sense, and this type of relationship can be very meaningful.

There's been debate about whether online relationships are actually "real." I think a better question is: Can you experience the feelings of being dominant or submissive in an OLR? The answer to that is a definite yes. The feelings and sensations you'll experience with an OLR can be just the same, and just as genuine, as the ones you'd experience in RL. So, while the relationship won't be exactly the same, it has the potential to meet enough of your needs to be satisfying.

If you plan to look for an OLR, there are some things to keep in mind. You need to be honest with prospective partners about your constraints. If your flexibility is limited, it's only fair to provide that information from the beginning. Also, be very clear that you're offering online only. There may come a time when the inability to take the relationship offline will be frustrating for both of you. It's best to be clear from the beginning that it's not negotiable. In other words, bring the same qualities of honesty and consideration to an OLR that you would to a RL relationship.

If you're new to BDSM, whether you're dominant or submissive, you do need to do some exploring on your own before looking for a partner. Under optimum circumstances you'd make friends in a RL BDSM community and learn first hand about the techniques and practice of BDSM. You aren't able to do that, so you need to find some reliable online resources for learning. You'll probably wind up looking at one or more of the three major BDSM match making sites. They all have active forums that are good places to learn about BDSM. A Google search will turn up other sources, as well. It's important to have friends in the community, not just partners. All relationships have rough patches. When you need resources or support, it's a big help to have people who understand.

I hope this helps. If there's anything more you need to know, don't hesitate to ask me another question.

Mistress Violette