Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/10/2007

Question
I want to play without a safe word. My domme is reluctant. What are your thoughts on safe words?

Answer
Hi, Colin,

Once I was doing intense CBT on a submissive who was sitting on a high stool in front of me. He got a leg cramp and cried out, "Cramp! Cramp!" I immediately moved aside, saying, "Stand up!" He stood, walked off the cramp and we were back to playing quickly. That incident brought home to me the usefulness of plain English communication during play. I use that almost exclusively because, for me, it saves time. I believe in communication, though, so anything people need to do to do it effectively is good. For some people, safe words do that and do it well. It sounds like it may be that way for your dom.

I will mention some caveats about safe words. They're not a substitute for discussion and negotiation. People shouldn't try to use a safe word as a substitute for communicating before play happens. They're also not a guarantee of a dom's integrity. You have to know a person well enough to trust her to honor the safeword so, again, it's not a way to avoid relationship building. Some people dislike safe words because they think they give the sub too much control. To me, that's the trust issue again. You have to know a person well enough to trust him to use the safe word to communicate an emergency, not just discomfort. Sometimes there's also the concern that the sub will be too caught up in the moment to use a safeword, so it's not a reason for a dom to fail to pay attention and observe.

I'm not a fan of systems that substitute codes for communication, such as using the words green, yellow and red as a way for the sub to indicate how things are going. To me, vigilance on the part of the dom coupled with asking direct questions should take care of that. Again, that's not to say other people don't find it helpful, just that it doesn't work for me.

I think you and your dom might want to do some thinking and talking about this issue. Maybe there's a compromise that will work for you both, maybe her decision will be more palatable with more information. You also need to think about why this is a problem for you. It may turn out be a symptom of a different problem. A respectful airing could be the first step to a fix.

Mistress Violette