Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/27/2007

Question
I find myself attracted to BDSM.  I want to be a Dom, but have absolutely no idea where to start.  I have absolutely no idea of the things involved.  And then there is the question of who would be sub.  My husband is in no way submissive.  I'm sure he'll let me try some things on him, but not as much as I'd like to try.  I also know that I like to be "man handled" in the bedroom.  I also know that I anger easily which is why I don't think I'd make a good Sub.  How do I know where I fit in?   Is there humiliation/name calling involved?  Does BDSM always involve sex?

Answer
Hello, Luisandra,

You've asked some good questions. Let's take them one at a time.

>>Does BDSM always involve sex?

No. Lots of us find BDSM sexually arousing but the control in itself is satisfying; we don't always have to act on the arousal. Plus, there are some circumstances in which acting on it wouldn't be appropriate, if you're playing in public, say, or if your BDSM partner is not your spouse/primary partner.

>>Is there humiliation/name calling involved?

There can be but it's not required. Some people find humiliation scenes very fulfilling, others don't. Like most things in BDSM and elsewhere, it depends on the people involved.

>>I also know that I anger easily which is why I don't think I'd make a good Sub.

It's also why you might not make a good dom. People are usually strongly advised not to play when they're angry, simply because it could be unsafe for the submissive if the dominant lost control of herself. There are people who do "anger play" but they're experienced and skilled, both at BDSM and at controlling themselves. Sometimes a slightly annoyed dom can produce a very satisfactory scene but mostly I'd recommend not playing with heightened emotions.

>> I also know that I like to be "man handled" in the bedroom.

One of the advantages of being the dom is you can direct your sub to do what you want in the way you want it. But you're saying your husband would be allowing you to do things, rather than surrendering to you. In that case, you'd negotiate this but he probably won't mind doing what you want.

>>And then there is the question of who would be sub.

If your husband is not submissive, you'd need to get his agreement if you wanted to have a BDSM partner. It's not unusual, really. There are BDSM people married to vanilla people and BDSM couples in which both partners are sub or both dom. In order for folks in those types of relationships to do BDSM, they need to have secondary partners. You and your husband would need to define the extent of the relationship, such as how much physical intimacy and other issues. I wouldn't advise trying to have a BDSM relationship without your husband's knowledge. After all, how trustworthy a dom could you be if you did that and how much ability to be in control would you have if you were sneaking around?

>> I find myself attracted to BDSM.  I want to be a Dom, but have absolutely no idea where to start.  I have absolutely no idea of the things involved.

Kudos to you for coming here and asking this question. Sometimes people see a scene involving BDSM in a television show or read a piece of fiction in an erotic magazine and style themselves "doms" based on that. There is little real information about BDSM in fiction. I sometimes think the romanticizing of BDSM does the community a disservice, because people think we're a lot more bad ass than we really are. :) You can start by doing a lot of reading and I'll post some recommendations at the end of this message. Read people's ideas and theories. There are lots of them but that's how you'll know what's involved in BDSM and how involved in BDSM you want to become. As you read, you'll find yourself crafting your own philosophy of BDSM. By that I mean you'll see a concept that really resonates and makes sense to you and you'll remember it. After you've collected some of those, you'll find yourself drawing conclusions of your own and testing them against what you read and hear. Eventually you'll know what you want to do in BDSM and you'll want to discuss your ideas with others, in either online or offline discussion groups. Those groups are great places to make friends, of all persuasions. And, sometimes, some of those friends become partners.

You have an interesting and fulfilling journey ahead of you. I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette

Some sites to check:
http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Recommended books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin