Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: About 14 months ago I was a vanilla guy who got involved with an active submissive. I had never experienced BDSM play before. She told me about her desires and that she wanted a full time D/s relationship. She was always a very heavy player with almost no limits. After talking a great deal I expressed interest in becoming involved in the lifestyle. I mentored under a local well known leather Dom and became competent in play. I came to enjoy it. My partner and I played sveral times, publicly to, and she enjoyed it. The last time we really played was in January and it was at a public dungeon. We both had a great time and she flew, recovering several hours later after which we had great sex lasting for hours. We also were 24/7 D/s which lasted from last Dec to this past March. Since January, the lifestyle relationship has detiorated to nothing. So has her enjoyment of sex with me. She services me, but where before we frequently had passionate sex, we no longer do. I would say that she has not had an orgasm in 8 or 9 months. We no longer play. I frequently express a desire to do so, but she is not interested. Two weeks ago we went to a friends house and I played his sub, quite hard, and it was great. My partner played my friends sub too. I also found out that night that my friends sub has another Dom come in and do humiliation play with her.  Shortly after that I suggested again us getting back into the lifetyle and playing, and my partner said that it didn't seem that our BDSM realtionship was working out. She doesn't want to leave me though. I suggested that maybe we need to have a third party Dom play her like our friend does. She said that she didn't mind me playing another sub and agreed with me that her being played by another Dom might be a good idea. I don't have a problem with another Dom playing her; that has happened before. It does bother me that she no longer has a sexual interest in me and that she doesn't seem to feel my dominance enough for her to "get off" on play. Her being played by another Dom besides me in those circumstances really would bother me. My feeling is that she needs to be distanced from someone in order to sense that power and get off on it. She has always avoided intimacy and still does so to a great degree. Is there something I can do or some insight you might offer?

ANSWER: Hello, Jack,

It's possible to have a happy, loving relationship and still do BDSM with other people. Before you go that route, though, I think you need to confirm the happy, loving relationship still exists. Take some time, both singly and together, to determine that you actually do want to be together. The relationship between the two of you has to be strong before you can bring other people into it.

You really do need to get to the root of her lack of interest in sex. The notion that everyone in committed relationships is having lots of good sex is a myth. Many people have happy relationships without huge amounts of sex.  Still, no orgasms for that long is a concern. Has either of you gained or lost weight or started or stopped going to the gym? Has she been under stress, started taking a new medicine, had any big diet or health changes? Are you sure there have been no orgasms or just none that you're aware of? This is not to imply that she's lying. A lot of people in our culture aren't comfortable talking about their masturbatory practices openly. So it would be wise to investigate all the possibilities, if you haven't already. Lack of interest in BDSM could just be personal growth in a new direction. Lack of sexual interest could signal relationship problems.

Several things could be happening. It could be that her feelings for you have changed. It could be that she needs you to be her partner rather than her dominant. It could be that your style of dominance developed into one that didn't suit her. If the two of you can figure this out together, it will give you a clearer idea of how you need to proceed.

If you decide to go the route of outside relationships, agree on some ground rules before you even start. Many couples who do this are body fluid monogamous, for instance. That is, there's no sex, no exchange of body fluids with the outside partner. Some people limit the amount or type of outside interaction. Whatever you do, decide what the limits are beforehand and, if there need to be changes, agree to work those out together. Also, make time to reassure each other of your commitment to your own relationship and agree that it comes before your outside BDSM relationships.

You could be right in that she needs a dominant partner who is not a relationship partner. It just works that way for some people. My sense is you don't mind if she plays with another dom. Your concern is that she would find play with someone else sexually exciting. The thing is, if you've found no problem to cause her lack of interest in sex, she probably will be aroused by play. If you can't find a way to be ok with that, it's going to be troublesome, so think long and hard before putting yourself in that position.

BDSM can help people avoid intimacy. It's very intense and feels intimate, so it fulfills the need without being threatening. It seems you're aware of her tendency to do that. It might not help you change the circumstances but it will help you understand and deal with them.

You have a complex situation here, Jack, with several levels. Please unravel it a bit, so you know what you're dealing with, before taking any big steps. If there's anything more I can do, I'm happy to try to help.

Mistress Violette






---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mistress Violette, thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to clarify the issues involved and provides some sense of  how to proceed. I would like to ask a follow up please. To answer your questions first, yes she has gained a lot of weight and has been under stress at work and too because of the new house we moved into in January. I am pretty sure that there have been no orgasms. And its not that I am an inconsiderate lover. I have offered and/or attempted to do almost anything to arouse her. Romance, extensive foreplay (though she does not like her clitoris manually stimulated), oral sex (which she hates). Early in our relationship she liked the sex rough. Anal, fisting, breast torture (really squeezing her nipples), and she would  get off on manual stimulation. She also liked humiliation play, water sports, anal, bondage, crawling, etc. But like I said, has no interest in any of that anymore. As far as feelings having changed, I believe she loves and cares for me and shows that in various non intimate ways. I agree that she wants me as a partner and not a dominant. And I agree to that my style of dominance probably doesn't suit her. We are different in our relationship languages. I am a touching, hugging, intimate, sexual person. She basically only wants a peck on the lips twice a day. She doesn't like to hold hands, hug, cuddle, or anything like that.
From your comments and my past experience I guess where I am at is that I have to make a decision. Things as they are   will not lead to happiness for either of us. I don't think she is capable of the level of intimacy I am used to. And it is very important to me to know that I can and am satisfying my partner. Climbing on top and just getting off does little for me. I could deal with either life style one way or the other I believe, either a close, personal, intimate, active sex life, or a D/s, BDSM relationship with active play and sex. Right now I don't have either. I think you are right that she uses BDSM to achieve some intimacy but yet not be threatened by it. But that puts me into sort of a Catch 22 situation. I know I need to somehow establish a Total Power Exchange with her, but am confused about how to do so after our past history, and even doubtful if it is possible.  Right now I think my only option is to just put my foot down, take charge, and risk bringing in an outside Dom and see if that works. Thanks for your help.

Answer
Hello, Jack,

I see a couple of areas that concern me. It could be because I don't have all the information. Please keep that in mind as you read.

The fact that she's been under a great deal of stress and has gained weight is an issue. As I suggested in my first message, this could have an impact on her disinterest in sex and also BDSM. You may have talked with her about this and just didn't mention it in your messages. If you haven't, though, please do so. Talking with her about the stress is a lot more important than offering sex. She needs your backing and support more than she needs sex right now.

You said that keeping things the way they are won't lead to happiness for either of you. In neither of your messages have you noted that she's unhappy with the relationship as it is. You need to find out her thoughts and feelings. If she's unhappy she gets to suggest remedies, too.

I don't see that a TPE relationship is the answer to your problems. The fact that you both want BDSM in your life doesn't mean that it needs to be considered in every situation. Putting your foot down and taking charge in this instance could be more bullying than BDSM. Now that I know about the weight gain and the stress, I'm really thinking this isn't a BDSM problem. It's a situational problem for her that's having an impact on the relationship and making a relationship problem for you. I hope you'll approach it that way.

The fact that you're a dominant doesn't put all the responsibility for changing things on your shoulders. Approach your partner to help you with this partnership issue. Talk with her about what's bothering her and what's bothering you, then see if you can come up with a solution that meets your needs and hers. You may have to put BDSM on the back burner for a while as you work things out. That's not a bad thing. In fact, simplifying may help resolve the situation.

Mistress Violette