Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/29/2007

Question
Hi Mistress Violette, I really appreciate all of the knowledge you provide on this board and now I have a question, Please!
First a little about me. I am very new to all of this and have discovered through reading over the years that I am a Submissive female (in the bedroom only, it so happens out of the bedroom I am a super-mom control freak!! ha ha) Anyway not so long ago I decided it was time to act on all of this and met a very cool guy. He is not a "master" persay, but very dominant where I need him to be ;-) He took me to *that place* where I have never been before, and let me tell you..it was amazing!!! Now for my questions! 1. Is it normal that during play, as crazy as this sounds, that I couldn't hear him, and I knew he was talking to me.(!!) it was like my senses were messed up. And also, when we were done playing...I couldn't snap out of it. Meaning...when I left his house to drive home..I felt Lost. (not abandoned..or depressed) I just couldn't get myself together and that is SO unlike me. What do you think?? I hope you can help! Thanks! dee

Answer
Hello, Dee,

What a nice compliment, thank you. :)

It sounds like you've found a great guy who's willing to meet your needs. If he's being dominant when you need him to be, rather than because he needs to be, you're probably going to have to do the research to help him do it effectively and safely. From your description, he's going to do fine, he just needs more information.

It's normal during play to experience all sorts of unusual effects. It really is an altered state of consciousness, so don't be surprised, or worried, if you experience things that are out of the ordinary. Your body is reacting to what's happening, pumping adrenaline and endorphins, and all the while feeling physical and emotional sensations that aren't familiar. As long as the situation doesn't persist after play, it's fine.

Not being able to snap out of it isn't unusual, either. I'm not sure why it happens. I've seen it with people doing relaxation exercises, not just people involved in BDSM. It seems to be a kind of ethereal feeling, of not being either all here or all there. I think we all experience it from time to time but, because we don't associate it with a highly charged event, we just wait for it to go away or work ourselves out of it as best we can and move on. In BDSM circles, what you experienced is called sub drop and the actions taken to deal with it are called aftercare.

You and your guy will have to experiment to find out what kind of aftercare works for you. Usually it's something along the lines of quiet reassurance, perhaps some cuddling or stroking, maybe some talking. The point is to remind the submissive that she's valuable, she did well, the relationship remains unchanged. Subspace can make a person feel vulnerable in many ways, it temporarily lowers some necessary defenses. If the the pieces don't quite come back together on their own, aftercare is needed to make it happen.

You'll need to talk with your guy about both of these situations. Once he knows, he can be sure to check on you more frequently during play and to do what it takes to be certain you're ok before letting you leave afterward. You had a fabulous experience before and these additions will only make the next one better. Enjoy!

Mistress Violette