Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/5/2007

Question
I am in a new bdsm relationship, my first true one.  I am the submissive.  I feel like I am in love with my master...but I recognize that this is an incredibly intense and intimate relationship like none other I've ever had.  How do I separate my true feelings about him from the feelings I have about him as my master.  I feel incredibly confused.

Answer
Hello, Cameron,

You're more than half the way to dealing with this situation because of your own insight. You've recognized that the intensity of a BDSM relationship can make you believe you feel things that you actually may not. You've also probably experienced some things to a greater extent in this relationship than you have in others. I suspect you've talked more about yourself, your interests, your needs and been listened to more closely than in other relationships. The result has been that the BDSM has has been incredible, a kind of compacted intensity that's almost transcendent.

Be aware of that intensity. It's easy to mistake it for intimacy. True intimacy develops over time. You trust him with some of yourself and see how he handles it. If his behavior meets your expectations, you go through the process again and again, giving more each time. That's how intimacy develops, gradually and in steps.

Sometimes it can seem as if the BDSM in your relationship has shortened the time needed to achieve intimacy. After all, this person knows your most important secrets and has successfully and skillfully used them to help you experience wonderful things. He doesn't really know all your secrets, though. He knows some important ones but they're just a piece of the whole. You may have shared a great deal, including many non BDSM pieces. Even so, I suspect there's still much more and that's fine. It would be a mistake to give him everything in a short period of time. He doesn't need it all at once and having it be a process is a sort of emotional safety mechanism we humans have.

Your first genuine BDSM relationship is a powerful thing. There's nothing wrong with becoming immersed in it. But you've begun to question now, so you can put the brakes on a little. If you can take a step back and sort out the sources of your feelings, I think you'll find your answer. Note when the feelings are most pronounced. Ones you feel shortly after a scene probably are precipitated by something different than the ones you feel when you're grocery shopping together. When you care about him as much, or more, when you're grocery shopping than when you're in the dungeon, it's probably love. :)

If you think that's not what you're feeling now, you're likely right and you're wise to recognize that. Enjoy your relationship and the attached emotions but don't let the emotions rule, no matter what they turn out to be. You seem to be in a win-win situation in that either way it turns out will be good. My sense is you're intelligent and level headed and that's allowed you to make a good choice of master and anything else he may turn out to be.

Mistress Violette