Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/28/2007

Question
Hello there. I have a somewhat unusual "fetish"(if that is the correct word?) that involves elaborate fantasies involving being murdered in various ways(strangled, stabbed, drowned etc). The first question is, would this be considered an S&M related fantasy? And secondly, I would like to share these fantasies with my boyfriend, but am fearful and apprehensive. He is very open-minded, but I don't know. This may be too much for him? I hope that you will not judge me. I know that some would find these thoughts offensive or demeaning, but I can't help what turns me on. I have had these thoughts since I was a child! Watching television shows like "CSI" or "Criminal Minds" for example, turn me on sometimes. I would like to roleplay one of these scenarios with my boyfriend. I have NO desire to actually be harmed, or to harm anyone else! I want to make that clear. These are JUST fantasies, and I have no desire to act on them in "real life", but I would like to share them with my boyfriend, as we are in a serious relationship, and I do not want to have to keep this from him. By the way, I don't know whether or not this is significant, but I am 25 and he is 30 years old. Thank you for your time.

Michelle

Answer
Hello, Michelle,

People have all sorts of fantasies and, yes, some of them are unusual and may be too much for some people. The important thing is you're not actually looking to live out your fantasies, since you don't want to be harmed. You want the excitement of "safe" fear, the feeling of being in danger without actually being in danger. It's similar to the attraction many people have to roller coasters; you get the adrenaline rush without actually being in peril. And for you, it's sexually stimulating. It's not a fetish in the strictest sense, but most people would understand what you're trying to convey.

My sense is this isn't a BDSM related fantasy for you. What defines BDSM is control, not any particular activity. Submission is surrendering control of yourself to someone you trust to keep you safe and meet your needs, without specifying how he does the latter. Your goal is loss of control within a particular scenario, not in general. I think you're hoping that, if you can label it, it will be more acceptable to your boyfriend. If so, I think the idea of safe fear or the illusion of danger is more accurate than BDSM related.

Without knowing him, it's hard to even guess how your boyfriend might react if you tell him about these fantasies. You're going to have to make your decision based on what you know of him and if revealing the fantasies is worth the risk. If you decide to share with him, you need to think of your fantasies as safe fear. You don't want to begin the conversation by stigmatizing your own fantasies as morbid or somehow unwholesome. They're not and neither are you for having them. They're just things that turn you on. Not run of the mill, maybe, but not indicators of pathology, either.  What you want is arousal and this is a path to it that appeals to you.

Your boyfriend probably will not have heard of this sort of fantasy before and he might not be comfortable with it. You might want to reveal just a bit of information at first, to see how he reacts. Please be prepared to accept that he may not be willing to participate. If so, you can be willing to work on a compromise that appeals to both of you. After all, the fantasy is just something that turns you on, not something that you must have in order to be happy.

I hope you and your boyfriend make some amazing new discoveries. :)

Mistress Violette