Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/7/2007

Question
I am very interested in BDSM, but I am so unsure as to how to start. I have a very open boyfriend, which I live with & love very much! He loves a little pain with his pleasure & has been trying to get me to dominate him in the bedroom. Where can I go to get info on how to initiate the dominance?

Answer
Hi, Christy,

It looks to me like you've got a lot going for you, since you're very interested in BDSM and your boyfriend has already indicated a similar interest. For you, I think it's mostly a matter of gathering information, then the two of you talking and negotiating so you can put what you learn into practice. This is going to be very exciting and, I hope, fulfilling for you both!

I have some favorite books and web sites to recommend. I'll start with the books: I have three for you. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're using. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

Now for some sites you can visit. This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

I don't want to drown you in resources so I'll stop now. :) Take a look at some of those and see what you think. Remember, there's no one right way to do BDSM. Do a lot of reading, thinking, talking and experimenting. Together you and boyfriend can put together a way of doing BDSM that's fun and satisfying for you. Enjoy!

Mistress Violette