Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend wants a mainly bdsm sex life which I'm ok with, even though it's new to me and i'm a little unsure and unconfident, but he also wants a "normal" life, with hugs, kisses, going out, being nice to each other etc and not being sub. I don't know how to work it!! Nice one minute, nasty the next? How can we have a relationship with both?

ANSWER: Hello, Alana,

It sounds like the kind of relationship your boyfriend wants is one that's often called "bedroom BDSM," meaning the power exchange stops at the bedroom door. I think this is actually a more common way of doing BDSM than the 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) model. With bedroom BDSM, the power exchange is limited to sex only, it doesn't effect other areas of your lives. You already switch gears to some extent when you're preparing to be intimate. With this arrangement you'll be doing that to a greater and different extent. He'll be getting into a mindset to actively take control, you'll be getting into one to deliberately surrender. When that's done, you'll switch gears once again and resume your  non-BDSM life. After the first few times I think you'll find yourself making the transition smoothly. I also think you'll be more comfortable with the idea when you've had a chance to know more about BDSM. Let me give you a place to start.

Most healthy BDSM relationships contain just as much hugging, kissing and being nice to each other as vanilla ones. You said you were new to this, so it's possible most of your idea of what BDSM is comes from popular media. Those representations focus on the trappings of BDSM - the leather and latex, the toys, the rituals, the attitude. All those things are secondary. What makes BDSM BDSM is power exchange, the submissive's surrender of control to the dominant. That's the foundation of the BDSM relationship. Anything that comes after that is a manifestation of the power exchange. Once you know that, you'll be able to see how there can be a range of behavior in BDSM. Whether it's nasty or nice depends on each individual's interests and perceptions. Some people are only overtly BDSM in private yet have a BDSM dynamic that underlies the entire relationship. Some limit the dynamic to just certain areas of their lives, as your boyfriend wants to do. The possibilities for how a BDSM relationship works are many and varied.

It looks like you want to learn more about this before going ahead and I think that's wise. I've included a list of sites and books to help get you started. Once you've established the power exchange there's no one right way to do BDSM. Read and consider, then incorporate what works for you into your own relationship. You have some interesting exploration ahead of you. Enjoy!

Mistress Violette

Site resources:

http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Recommended books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, I hope to use this site often, not just questions, but reading other peoples questions and the answers given. He has also expressed he wants to be totally controlled by me, do everything for me, jobs around the house, errands, and eventually control of bank account etc. This includes wearing plugs when out whether I'm there or not, marks (eg burns) so he doesn't forget who controls him. Doing everything for me sounds fantastic but at the moment I just can't get my head around it. I realise it's just getting the balance right. Could be a girls dream! I have read some literature, and will definately take you up on extra reading. Thank you for your time.

Answer
You're very welcome, Alana. It is a girl's dream, as long as you're comfortable with it. Here's a link to a question I answered for a beginning dominant, with some additional book recommendations. If you have other questions, feel free to ask.

Mistress Violette

Link: http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/x-2.htm