Expert: Oscar G. - 10/1/2007

Question
QUESTION: I find myself attracted to the idea of BDSM.  I want to be a Dom, but have absolutely no idea where to start.  I have absolutely no idea of the things involved.  And then there is the question of who would be sub.  My husband is in no way submissive.  I'm sure he'll let me try some things on him, but not as much as I'd like to try.  I like to be "man handled" in the bedroom.  I also know that I anger easily which is why I don't think I'd make a good Sub.  How do I figure out where I fit in?   Is there humiliation/name calling involved?  Does BDSM involve sex?

ANSWER: Dear Luisandra:

All valid questions and need to be addressed. The thing is to go by parts and answer a few questions about yourself and then find more on the topic by reading and studying. From there once a bit more defined, find what suits you.
Being Dom is about being in charge, directing and taking care of the needs of your partner. It is a lot about giving and doing.
Sub finding is relatively easy for A female, since the males, even if sub, they still seek you out. Usually Alternative dating sites could work. But i suggest learn about yourself and BDSM before venturing out. There are plenty of good books these days in Amazon and online.
Wikipedia has a good quantity of info into BDSM. It is free and will lead you to other sites and ideas. Once you want to focus into some topics,  order some books in amazon.com.

The statement "I like to be 'man handled' in the bedroom" does not quite fit with a fem Dom. For that matter you may be what is called a switch. Mostly Dom and sometimes sub. Not totally half and half is valid for switches. Being angry is an issue that depend if it because you dislike something or you are naturally rebellious. And also besides being angry, what do you do about it? Calling names and humiliation can be done in BDSM, but only if the person in the receiving end welcomes it and helps them to fulfill some part of their fantasy. We all "do" BDSM, because we enjoy it, and that includes the partner we are with. It is not a one sided deal.
Sometimes you can get off without sex in BDSM, but often enough does lead into it, but it is all a question of your own definition and your partner.
I hope this helps.
Happy exploring.

Oscar G.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The few times I get angry is when I try to be submissive to my husband.  For some reason not having any control is easy, but then upsets me.  When I do get angry, play time is over.  I wouldn't hurt him or anyone else for that matter.  In my head I know this is for fun, but my feelings don't see it that way.  As long as he stops, I won't stay upset.  What are the different areas of BDSM?

Answer
Hi Again Luisandra:
The main subdivisions are within the abbreviation "BDSM" itself:Bondage & Discipline (B&D), Domination & Submission (D&S), Sadism and Masochism (or sadomasochism) (S&M).

Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in nonconsensual contexts, could be considered unpleasant, undesirable or abusive. For example, while pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons, in BDSM, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment. This emphasis on informed consent and safety is also known as SSC (safe, sane and consensual).
How dominant or submissive a person may be in their regular life does not necessarily indicate which role they will play in a scene. You gotta be specific and find out exactly at which point or what activity makes you upset and why. Could be a past unresolved issue emotionally or mentally, or a physical limit that you cannot avoid.
But here is a list of BDSM activities:
Bastinado (feet sole canning)
Breast bondage and breast-oriented BDSM,
Bondage,
erotic spanking,
flagellation such as flogging (cat o' nine tails),
medical submission (i.e. a submissive partner that submits to medical procedures which may or may not be humiliating and/or painful).
nipple torture,
paddling,
movement restriction,
sensory deprivation,
sensation play (i.e. the use of such objects as fur, ice, Wartenberg wheels, TENS devices, etc to induce desired sensations in the bottom),
suspension,
Tease and Denial
tickle torture (i.e. subjecting a very ticklish bottom to prolonged intense tickling)
whipping (see bullwhip).

Each topic has its own specialties, and safety rules. But instead of being cold and clinical, try to find out what appeals to each of you and talk about it or dig information together, which would encourage exchange of ideas and limits. But also be aware of the anger issue and also dig about WHY does it make you upset. Therein lies perhaps a more pressing matter.
I hope this helps.
Be well and have fun in the meantime.
Oscar G