Expert: Oscar G. - 5/10/2007

Question
i'm 23 and recently realized that bdsm might be what i'm looking for out of a sexual relationship. bondage, to be more exact. the idea of dom/sub is exciting as well.
i've come to realize there are a lot of rules to follow and how it can be a complete lifestyle.

any general information you can give me? things i should know before i jump into something i can't get out of?

and is it possible to fully enjoy bdsm without making it my life? or does that depend on the dom?

i really appreciate your help.

thanks,
curious

Answer
Dear Meghan:

You are quite perceptive in your questions and i will try to give you the best advice to get you in your path of discovery.  

You are quite right it can become and all encompassing lifestyle. However you still can be a BDSM practitioner and fully enjoy your life without having to change that much. BDSM is a philosophy more than a path in my opinion. There are many practices, rituals, activities and even schools of thought.
But like the meaning of life or life itself. It is all about what you make of it. You define what it is and fit those elements into your own style, tastes, and personality. My best advice is at first read and ask as much as you can. You started asking me question in a very safe and direct mode. I will try to answer any other questions you may have along your path if you want or need it. But i would say, right after this, the best next stop is Amazon.com and search all the books under a "BDSM" search. There is a LOT of good books and more than one will help you learn and  discover yourself. But i would say before that, you got to answer a few question to yourself.
Define yourself and see why and what are you thinking BDSM.
Do you feel subservient or dominant?
Have fantasies that excite you that have strong BDSM tones, even if you never  done anything for real  (yet)? Do you want the aspect of Dominance and control to involve only you sex life, or even outside the bedroom?
Do you want to be private about it with your partner or socialize with a larger group with your same inclinations?
Do you want to be only one role (Dom/Sub) or would you like to switch?
Answering those initial question will help you define what BDSM is for YOU, and the type of people you may attract and end up sharing with. MY advice for you if you are submissive: You are NOT defined by the whims and desires of the Dom. You are sub in that mode because of your nature, and the ideal is to find the style and tastes that are similar with you and your partner. But that once being said, you would establish a deep bond of trust with your partner that will allow you both to push boundaries and try new things. The key to all is Communication both ways. Being sub is not giving away your rights to someone else, but to trust someone enough to let them take you where you want and need to go, and he is  in similar wavelength to you. That is why it is important to define yourself on what you like and dislike, or at least at this part you think or believe you like and dislike, and grow from there to have less and less limits and fears. Follow your fantasies, they are a great blueprint to  where you heart desires and you will probably enjoy. But do not set high expectations and be open to new stuff. But define clearly at least what you know for SURE, that you do not ever want. A solid limit/boundary that will not be crossed, but anything before that could be tried or negotiated in the right circumstances.

I hope what i have written helps you initially. I think you will have a great time sorting out books and ideas. Just grab from BDSM what suits you and play with it, and eventually when communicating with a partner you will have the clarity of vision and language to say  out loud your needs and desires. And he will tell you his. It is after all a mutually rewarding experience, where you both will please and delight each other.

Have fun and be safe.

Oscar G