Expert: Oscar G. - 11/29/2006

Question
Hello, Oscar

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. My boyfriend and I have been together a little less than a year now, and we are beginning to experiment with blindfolds, spanking, etc. I'm new to this all, as is he, and I'm interested in the possibility of introducing handcuffs or bondage cuffs into the mix. Here's the confusing part: we both seem to be equally turned on by acting submissive. I don't necessarily mind acting dominant, but I really derive no pleasure from it. Ideally, I'd like to ask him to take the dominant role, but I don't want to deny him the enjoyment of being submissive either. I hope this isn't a terribly uncommon situation. What would you suggest we do? Thanks again!

Answer
Dear Liza:

I always love experimental couple finding each other through their lovers. Here is your situation: since you both experimented you have found out you like to sub, so it does feel awkward to be both submissive. Since you shown you can do both and you look forward to introduce handcuffs and restrains into the mix you sound like a good switch.  There is nothing wrong with perhaps being more sub than dom, as long as you switch and you enjoy both sides.  

I guess the conflict arises when you both  like the the sub role way more than being in charge. Other than grin it and bear it into one of you having to be the dominant and one the sub; I could only suggest you both become submissive. But how to have fun if both are passive and want to be tied up?
Just 2 possible ideas/scenarios: One would be to tie each other up (self bondage) with some eventual means of escape (such a key inside ice), tied to each other, etc. The other safer approach would be you both submitting as submissive couple to another couple, another Female dominant, or male dominant. But the inclusion of a 3rd party could complicate the  dynamics of your relationship.

SO, my advice is to really talk about it with your partner and explain your needs and desires to him, letting his express also his own needs and desires. If you can handle switching, get into the role you have intensely when you are in that mode and then whine you switch you can get back to relish that other aspect of yourself. Maybe by having only one role per night (without switching) could allow each other to delve into your roles fully. I have found that changing roles in the same evening could be frustrating or confusing.

Bust if you cannot handle switching that well and you both like submission too much, you may need a dominant that could handle both of you (either together or individually). But that would depend on your tastes, values, expectations, and emotional make up.

I hope what I wrote helps you find out the answers you seek. Best wishes for you.
Be well, Be safe and Have fun.

Oscar G,