Expert: Oscar G. - 1/23/2005

Question
Oscar,  Thanks for your help.  It really helped talking to someone who has a kink to assure that this kink is overboard.  He refuses to see a counselor.  I broke up with him.  -
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Followup To
Question -
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Oscar,  Thanks for your reply.  I did not know he was into BDSM.  I am not. I let him tie me up once, and I was very nervous.  Then after discovering the videos, I couldn't do it again.  He treats me like a princess and says he does not want to get into anything as heavy as on the hogtied porn site.  I'm not afraid of being physically hurt. I tried to be more open until I found so many chloroform sites and the site Inshadow (snuff).  I love him dearly.  I suspect he started with softer porn and now needs the violent stuff to get off.  I think he's been really into the chloroform since I first discovered it.  I think the chloroform is too much, even if its just a fantasy.  He has not offered to give it up.  I have not asked, but he knows how much it bothers me.  He even asked if I was offended because I had been abused.  Hogwash!  Certainly he understands 99% of the women here in the US would be offended.  I'm hoping we can comprimise, but if he has a problem with porn, I'm afraid he won't be able to take a few steps backward.  We were talking about masterbating one time, and he said he didn't do it.  I asked why he watched all those vidoes then.  No answer.  We talked last night and he went on and on about bondage being normal.  He compared his habits to my vibrator.  Hello, no drugs with a vibrator. He avoided the chloroform issues, or tried to clump them in with bondage.  He also said I'd get used to his porn.  I won't. If he gives up the violent porn, I'd like to become more comfotable being tied up.  Sex is very emotional for me.  Every contact is an expression of love to me.  Why is BDSM exciting to people?  Are there control issues involved? What do you think of a sex therapist?  FYI We are both 37 year old, highly educated professionals.
Followup To
Question -
I accidently discovered a hogtied membership on my boyfriend's computer four months ago.  He was very agnry that I looked at videos on his computer. What bothered me most was a couple of videos where the women were drugged.  Five days ago I snooped and five sites he searched that day involving chloroform porn and one site of snuff porn (drowning, shooting, etc.)  I feel this is excessive.  I was wrong to snoop, but feel what he calls just a fetish is too much.  We see each other 2-3 times a week and only have sex once a week. He's stressed over work. He thinks there's something wrong with me for objecting to it.  He thinks I did something to restore his history.  He says he always deletes it.  He's hiding this from me.  Any advice on how we can work through this.  We've been talking about engagement, but obviously have a sex problem.
Answer -
Dear Dawn:

There are multiple items that have to be questioned independently and from there try tomake sense of it alland come to a resolution.
My first point would be that if you wre aware he liked BDSM or not. And find out if you were into it as well as him. BDSM is a mutual consent practice for both participants, if 2 people were to act out anything out.
Second if we are talking about just porn and stuff to see and fantasy about, it is a different matter.

I DO agree with you that drugging and snuff are a bit excessive. But there are many other aspects of BDSM that are just as INTENSE , but not as violent or harsh. The fact you mentioned he is STRESSED over work could have something to do with watching at that stuff. Could be an outlet. He is correct and kind to you; you should not worry much. But you also you both should address all the previous points. At this point he might feel trust was broken, but you are right about his tastes in fantasies might be a bit harsh. But also you gotta find out if you care enough about him to help him explore better outlets in BDSM or if it is incompatible with your values and tastes.  BDSM is NOT about Snuff, drugging partners, or unconsensual stuff.  Also please remember the movie/porn industry caters to fantasy and effects are realistic, yet actors are protraying scenes.  But also his appeal to the extreme stuff is what should be addressed. But also remember fanatsies are just that and porn while offensive; it is an outlet of stress to some people. SO consider all the points and how they affect you and how do you want to deal in this type of relation or not.
If youa re scared something might happen to you and he might want to do that stuff with you; address that with him. Maybe there are better fantasies for you both, but you need to talk about it.

You both need to talk HONESTLY about your likes and desires and see if there is a middle ground you both can be happy.  There is MUCH under BDSM that could perhaps suit you both and satisfy you.

If you have questions on further details or more details on what to do please be more detailed and will try to help you more at lenght.

Be well and be safe.

Oscar G.
Answer -
Dear Dawn:
Sorry for not being faster onmy follow up, but here I am.
You have very valid concerns and good point that are well made. MAybe the stuff that you have told me,has to be told to him and even a professional 3rd party that could mediate among you 2. If allother aspects of the relationship work and had worked for (how long?) this far. Maybe it is worth to invest time and effort to make it work by getting couple counseling. Sex therapist coudl help. But also look for what we like to call Kink Aware porfessionals. People who are counselors/psychiatrists/psychologist and are aware that BDSM is a very valid form of sexuality and self expression and will not make values that anyone is "sick"  for leaning into BDSM, kinks or fetishes. Does NOt mean a professional of this kind will be on his side. But would be neutral and instead of focusing on the kinks he/she could  focus more into the underlying reasons behind the kinks.  
The clorophorm issue is a bit obscure to me. Could be a form of power struggle. BDSM could be a form of love too and does NOT have to be aggresive, violent nor demeaning. But there are some strong power and roles into it. One aspect you will hear eventually will be "role-playing". Maybe could be you too scary to try to play a scene for him, (no drugs of course!) but see where that leads. Although why would he want a warm bundle of human flesh as opposed to an active participant is a mystery to me as well. But maybe if he plays it out he can tap into it and purge it. or go on with other better things.  But you do not have to do anything if you cannot trust him. You are the one who knows if he can really act out thsi things or if it is really just something he wants just to play on his mind without acting it at all. It is like 'gothic' people, acting and behaving like people of the night or vampires; but they KNOW they are not quite real, but enjoy their  trip and no one gets hurt for real.
But since there are emotional issues for you both. Maybe a neutral 3rd party professional could be the best answer.
My suggestion is to look on the web for "kink aware professionals" who do counseling I believe using those words in your web search will give you some leads.  
If you live near a big city your choices will be better.
In any case i hope thsi helps you.
At your service.
Oscar G.

Answer
Dear Dawn:
Sorry for the delay I had to work out of town.
Just to be clear. His kink is ok, just his refusal to tone it down for you and/or yourcomfort level with it is what he  did not want to compromise or find a middle. In any case i hope it  works for you and Everything is Ok.

Best wishes.

Oscar G