Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/27/2007

Question
My girlfriend(f&f)(1.5 yrs) wants me to collar her. I told her I will not until she is more obedient.  For example, during sex she wanted to orgasm.  I told her to ask for permission.  "If it please you my Prince..." but she couldn't get her mouth to speak.  So I wouldn't make her cum. We got right there about five times but she wouldn't say it.  So she never came.  So I ordered her to write a journal about the experience if she wanted me to continue to consider the collaring.  She did the writing.  "Im troubled about my inability to obey certain commands...its terrifying for me to have someone demand things of me..."  She likes pain and I haven't seen whipping or slapping help her to obey.  I want to be a good Master.  How do I get her to obey?  She is a insolent little bitch.  But she wants to be broke so what do I do?  Should I get a collar and show it to her?  Beat her?  Punish like a child?  Give her a name? She likes pain and abuse during sex so that doesn't seem to work. Help me think.  Another thing she wrote "hopefully my top will make good on her threats and follow through with everything....I fear I will be a difficult slave-in-trainning" I would love to give her a name, collar and so on but in good concious I don't think I shoule without her being a better slave.  In someways Im trying to decide what comes first.  Do I give her a name before collaring and work on helping her submit and then when do I collar her?  It could be years....help me please.  I need direction.

Answer
Hello, D,

Not that it always has to, but usually being collared signifies a commitment. It doesn't seem like your girlfriend has made one yet, although you've given me the sense that she wants to and she wants your help to do it. You did well to have her start writing in the journal. Now you have to follow up, because she's trying hard to communicate with you.

I'm wondering how much the two of you talked about the BDSM part of your relationship when you began it. If you didn't, that's the first thing you need to do now. If you did, you need to do it again, because it's an ongoing process and the two of you have some wrinkles to iron out. That she says something is terrifying is a big red flag. This is something that requires discussion, so you can find a way to provide structure and direction without triggering this reflex. There's some resistance there. You can't bull your way past it. You have to get to the root of it and find a work around. It may be that she needs reassurance or more firmness or less firmness or any of a number of other things. The only way to find out is to talk about it.

If a submissive is resistant, I always try to find out what's causing the behavior. I could try to extinguish the behavior with punishment but it's not fair to punish if a submissive isn't being willful. Sometimes the source of the problem is something like unclear instructions on the dominant's part and not the submissive's responsibility at all. Judging by what she wrote, your partner is looking for you to take the lead, be firm and be consistent. There's nothing wrong with discussing your expectations of each other. It only makes sense, because you can't know that you're able, and willing, to meet them until you know what they are. Too, each of you may think you know how you're being perceived but you really don't know for sure. You need to get feedback to see if each of you is reading the other correctly.

Punishment isn't a lot of fun and I try to avoid having to do it. If you find it necessary, though, you're right in that you can't use an activity she likes. What you can do, instead, is deprive her of something she likes or have her do something she dislikes. Television programs, exercise, volunteer work are all examples of things you can use as discipline. Just be sure the activity is safe and something she can reasonably do; you don't want to set her up for failure.

By the same token, reward her for good behavior. Most of the time your satisfaction and praise will be enough. When she's especially good, though, consider a special reward. It doesn't have to be a major undertaking; often your additional attention will make her feel highly rewarded and regarded. Rewarding good behavior usually produces better results than punishing bad.

Collaring will happen when you think she's earned it. Be clear about this. You might also want to confirm that it has the same meaning for you both. You can work together to set the criteria but she doesn't get the collar until she meets them.

Changing a name means different things to different people. For some, it's the first step into submission, for others it's a confirmation that the dominant/submissive relationship exists and is strong. Decide what it means to the two of you and chose the time to name her accordingly.

I think you have a good idea of what you need to do, you just need facts to give you a firm basis for the decisions you're going to make. An honest discussion with your girlfriend should get you the information you need to go from here. Once you have it, you can take the control she wants to give you. Enjoy. :)

Mistress Violette