Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/26/2007

Question
My Master has given me the task of finding out what the dynamics within a play scene invloves. We do not practice any sexual acts except for breast torture. What he has said is that a play scene for him is not about the person but about the total control. it is not about the girl for him it is about the submissive following his orders.


Answer
Hello, Edith,

What your dominant is describing is "power exchange," which is a fundamental element of BDSM. It's not the most intuitive description but it's the widely accepted one, so that's what we use. It means the submissive has offered control of her or himself to the dominant and the dominant has accepted. Some people call it a gift but I think that kind of romanticizes what is actually a mutual agreement that benefits both parties. After all, a submissive needs someone to whom to submit, while a dominant needs someone to dominate.

There are people who like to do BDSM-like things as sexual play or foreplay. They may do mild pain play or bondage to get turned on for vanilla sex. There is usually no real power exchange involved in this type of play and it's more of a spicy addition to vanilla sex than it is BDSM.

Then there are people who turn over varying degrees of control to the dominant partner. There are discussions of interests, limits, and goals, followed by negotiations. After that, the dominant is in control. These relationships are open to additional negotiation as they progress but there's a basic level of consensual control that is always in effect, it's not turned on when the partners want to be turned on, then turned off so they can resume their "normal lives." For people involved in a power exchange relationship, the power imbalance is part of their normal lives.

Since I'm indirectly getting the information about what your dominant thinks I may not have a clear picture of the point he wants to make. I can understand it being about control and obedience but it also has to be about the person. Not every person can be expected to follow the same orders; orders, rules, actions, even the dominant's responses, have to be tailored to the individual submissive. Since he seems  in tune with the idea of power exchange, I suspect he knows the nuances, as well. I just wanted to mention this to be sure my response gave you a broad picture.

Since your dominant has asked you to research, he may want you to do more than post a question. If that's the case, here are some sites where you can read more about power exchange relationships. You may end up giving him a synopsis of what you find or sharing details about the perspectives you review. Either way, I think you'll both find the information helpful and probably even fun. Enjoy your research. :)

Mistress Violette

Links:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/