Expert: arani_CsA - 10/27/2006

Question
hi, im into bondage and such but im not too sure if my girlfriend is or not. ive been going out with her for about a year. she has hinted at a couple things though. occasionally she lets me handcuff her and she likes it. but thats as far as  she goes, she has hinted that she likes whips also. i would like her to let me do more, like gagging and rope bondage. i've wanted to tell her for a long time that im into bondage but im too afraid she'll be freaked out(she knows i like light stuff though).She has done a few bondage things with an ex too! i have a feeling she is also too afraid to tell me. So do you have any ideas how i could bring out that side of her?

Answer
Hello...

It can be very daunting to admit to a lover that you like kinky sex, or that you're "into" BDSM -- especially if the relationship is somewhat new.  There's always the possibility that the other person may be horrified, or think you're strange or even a monster.  But I agree that your girlfriend seems to be giving you some hints that she might be interested in exploring some more "unusual" bedroom activities.  The question of how to broach the subject with her is a valid one, and one that I've heard from many others.  

The key here is to go slow.  One thing we in the BDSM world preach is that all activities have to be consensual.  In other words, if both parties don't want it, it shouldn't happen.

Try to be a bit subtle about how you approach the matter with her -- don't just blurt out that you would like to tie her up and/or whip her.  Try renting a movie like "The Secretary" and watch it together.  See how she reacts to the spanking scenes, and if she seems receptive, playfully suggest that you try doing that some time.  Or get a book like Gloria Brame's "Different Loving," and leave it where she can find it when she comes over.  Then, if she acts interested, discuss the book together.  Or, have some simple toys (like handcuffs, a blindfold, silk scarves, or a feather) lying next to the bed and see how she reacts.  You might also try letting her tie you up as well.

I would definitely recommend that the two of you explore this lifestyle together.  You may have already done some reading about what it entails, but learning together is very important.  It will help to bring the two of you closer together, and also help you discover what she likes and also what she doesn't like.  Some good websites are www.castlerealm.com, www.leathernroses.com, and www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html.

You are probably already aware that this lifestyle encompasses a broad spectrum, from those who simply enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, to those who are into more of a Dom/sub lifestyle, or even outright slaves like myself.  Make very sure that you're both on the same page here.  But the most important piece of advice that I can give you is to find a group of lifestylers in your area to meet with and learn from.  You can find a list of groups at www.drkdesyre.com.  With many play practices, it is very possible to hurt someone if you don't do it right.  Going to a play party and watching others, or talking to them, is an excellent way of learning.  And it's just plain nice to talk to others who like what you like.

Good luck, and play safely.  If you have any other questions, feel free to send them along.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius