Expert: arani_CsA - 10/2/2007

Question
Hi there...A week ago my girlfriend of 16mths told me that she's been participating in virtual reality game for 2 weeks, where she's a slave to her mistress.  She did this behind my back...I'm not sure as to how I should feel.  When she told me I took it was cheating, but is it?  I mean she did it behind my back.  It hurt me, confused me, I just didn't understand.  I want to understand, I'm not against it at all, I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to let her be.  She stopped it when she told me for me, but I want her to be happy.  She also told me that she's been having a phone and online relationship with another woman.  She told me that they've had intimate conversations and that she loved her, but realized after she told me that she doesn't love her.  Anyway, we're not together but we want to work on things if we end up together.  I'm start therapy next week and hopefully she does too.  I love her so much...what do I do? Where do I go from here?  The thought of her surrendering herself to someone else almost kills me, because I surrender to her...my heart belongs to her.  I let her know that I'm willing to learn and maybe I could be her master.  She says that as a slave she's allowed to have more than one masters. What do I do?

Answer
Hello...

There are several different questions in your letter, and I hope you'll pardon me if I answer them out of order.  First of all, you mention that your girlfriend has been participating in a "virtual reality game" in which she is a slave.  Let me be very clear on this -- slavery is NOT a game.  It is a very real lifestyle that many people participate in, including myself.  

Secondly, a slave most certainly can NOT have more than one Master or Mistress.  A slave may serve more than one person, but only at the command or with the permission of his/her owner.  A slave has absolutely no say over what she does or who she does it with; she surrenders all rights to govern her own life when she enters into a Master/slave relationship.  If someone has been telling her otherwise, then she has been mislead.  In fact, slaves who openly profess to belong to more than one person are usually the subject of ridicule in BDSM groups, and may even be denied membership in them.

You say that you hate the thought of your girlfriend surrendering herself to someone else.  Is it the thought of the totality of the surrender that bothers you, or is it that there is another person involved?  I'd like to reassure you that most slaves are very healthy, psychologically speaking.  Some of us find a person that we simply love so much that we are willing to do absolutely anything to make that person happy, to the point of giving that person total control over our lives and our destinies.  Others (like myself) feel happiest when we are working to make this world a better place for others in general.  My husband/Master serves as the focus of this service, a guide and a protector, so to speak.

There is a lot of responsibility involved in being a Master or Mistress, and owning a slave.  Yes, you get the fun of having your girlfriend do whatever you tell her to do, but you also have the task of teaching her what you like, and protecting her from harm.  It's not all about kinky sex.  

Something that also concerns me is that your girlfriend has been secretively participating in more than one intimate relationship without telling you.  Yes, I would call this cheating.  She may think that because these relationships were conducted on line or over the telephone, that they weren't real.  But there are many people who meet their life partners through these means, and in fact I met my husband/Master on line.

My suggestion is that both of you do some research into the BDSM lifestyle, and Master/slave relationships in particular.  Have a heart-to-heart discussion with your girlfriend, and ask her what it is about this kind of life that attracts her.  Search, within yourself, whether you can be a part of this.  And, lastly, ask her frankly whether she can commit herself completely and totally to doing everything that you ask of her, and refraining from any relationships that you do not approve of.  (I know of many slaves who aren't even able to talk on the phone to their families or friends without asking permission.)

Here are some good places to start your research:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.rlslavery.com

I would also strongly advise the two of you to seek out a BDSM group that meets in your area.  You can find a list of these groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Be aware, though, that these groups are often suspicious of newcomers, for reasons of confidentiality.

Good luck to both of you.  If you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius