Expert: arani_CsA - 12/16/2007

Question
hi, I've been married since June and my partner and i have been together for over a year. Lately we've been arguing a lot about sex. i knew when i met him that he'd had abuse as a child and it makes him reliant on sex....especially as a sub. this wasn't a problem until lately when its started eating away at him. he wants me to be a dom and i just don't know how. I'm perfectly willing and i think I'd really enjoy it, but I'm rather self-conscious especially as i have no idea what to do or say. i don't want him to teach me cause that would contradict the role he wants to play. i was wondering if you could give me any advice or tell me what's a good thing to read cause I've read a few things but they're not really that useful. it wouldn't be a completely sub/dom lifestyle, just for sex, but without this he's getting really depressed and miserable and so am i.

Answer
Hello...

You ask some good questions, and it's good to see that you are willing to work with your husband to help meet his needs.  I'll try to help you find the answers that you both need.  

You're right in thinking that being submissive in a relationship is a very real need for him, and not just something that he enjoys doing.  For some people, this is an integral part of the personality; it really is part of what makes him the person he is.  And while you're correct in not wanting him to teach you how to be a Dominant, you should rely on him to show you what he needs from a Dominant.  This is the kind of negotiation that is very important in the early stages of a D/s relationship.

I think you already realize that the BDSM lifestyle encompasses a wide spectrum -- not only are there people like myself, who enjoy a full-blown Master/slave relationship.  There are also those who merely enjoy a little play in the bedroom.  And everything in between.

There are some good websites to help you learn about the lifestyle.  If you have not already done so, I suggest you visit them along with your husband, and discuss what you read there.  Help him explain to you what it is that draws him to this lifestyle, and what parts of it appeal to him.  There are checklists that you can both use to indicate your individual experiences and preferences, and then you can compare those and see how you might develop your own relationship.  Here are some good places to start:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.wizdomme.com (especially geared toward female Dominant/male submissive)

It is important to remember that the Dominant in this kind of a relationship has a lot of responsibility.  You need to be sure to protect him not only physically but also emotionally.  It is possible, especially with some of the more severe forms of S/m play, to cause real physical harm if you're not careful.  But if you do use humiliation play (and a lot of male submissives enjoy this), it is also possible to cause emotional harm as well.  Be sure you allow your husband to tell you what his limits are, and give him a safeword.  A good Dominant will push her sub's limits, but only in such a way that he feels safe.

How about some ways that you can start now?  Try using some soft scarves to blindfold him, or tie his arms to the bedposts, while you tickle him.  Use your hands to tease him into an erection, and order him to hold it without having an orgasm, for as long as possible.  Orgasm control is something that a lot of males enjoy, so one night when you're having sex, order him to pleasure you with his mouth or his hands, without having an orgasm himself.  Have him wear a collar and leash, and pull on the leash occasionally during sex.  

Or, take it outside the bedroom by having him give you a foot massage at the end of a busy day.  Instruct him to run you a bubble bath, and then have him kneel beside you while you're in it.  Tell him that he's not allowed to eat until you're finished, or that he must take the food from your hands.  Again, with all of these things, allow him to express beforehand what he has enjoyed doing in the past, and what things he would have difficulty doing.

Often, a submissive will go into a special head-space, especially during pain play.  This is caused by endorphins rushing through the body, much as happens with marathon runners or weight-lifters when they push themselves physically.  Some submissives, such as myself, have difficulty knowing when they have had enough, when they are in "subspace."  If this is the case, you will need to be very aware of the signals that your husband is giving off, to tell you when enough is enough.

Above all, work together to help define your relationship.  Take the lead, certainly, but allow him to express his desires and his feelings as well.  Most importantly, be safe.  If you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.  Good luck to you.

Please be sure to leave feedback if my answers have helped you,
arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius