Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/20/2007

Question
Hello,
I have reently started to explore and or research some different aspects of the Dom/sub relationships.  I for the most part am very much a sub.  I was recently asked to Dom and it did not interest me in the slightest.  I'd like your opinion on some good sites and or good beginner books I could read up on to get me started.  I for the most part believe I have a wonderful potential Master of which I trust for the most part.  I do understand we need to further discuss my wishes also. But I'd like to do some of my own research also.

Thanks so much,
-anxiously awaiting your response.


Answer
Hello, Autumn,

I think one of the best things anyone new to BDSM can do is research. Sometimes it takes people a while to acknowledge and accept their own interests. Then, when they do, they rush off looking for a partner to teach them. I'm not sure this is always the best route to go. While there's lots in BDSM that works better with the help of someone else, it usually works even better if you approach BDSM with an understanding of some basics and having given thought to what is important to you. I don't think it's wise to accept someone else's idea of what BDSM is. So, it's not a "but", it's great you're doing your own research.

There are lots of resources available to help you. I've listed a few of my favorites at the end of this response. What I believe is important is to read all the differing points of view and to think about them critically. Some ideas will resonate with you, some won't. That's natural and reasonable. There's no reason you have to agree with, or accept, every idea you find. Most of us wind up with a group of concepts that work for us, synthesizing them into a personal philosophy of BDSM. There really isn't one right way of doing BDSM, just some ways that work better than others for each person.

I'm going to suggest you poke around a little on the sites I've listed. Not only will you find a number of ideas about BDSM, you'll also find links to even more sites, with even more ideas. You'll begin to pick up patterns, you'll see areas that especially attract you. There's a lot of information available and some of it will be just what you need. You may also want to check out some discussion groups, either on or off line, so you can get other people's thoughts first hand.

The smartest thing anyone can do is educate herself. Ultimately, your happiness and safety depend on what you know and what you communicate. You seem to be going about this in the right way. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette


Sites:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin