Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/8/2007

Question
Where to begin. I meet my partner thru D/s contacts. We dated D/s and established our relationship to be D/s in orientation. We have been together going on 6 yrs but the past few years have become very vanilla. I removed my collar 2 yrs ago, lots of reasons but the main one being I hoped he would trigger and come back to be my Master again. We kept trying over the years but the D/s never lasted more then a couple of weeks.

Long story short, we are married now and living a wonderful vanilla life. But i so long for that D/s again. I have given up asking him to try again, but have also come to realize I need it in my life.

Any suggestions? I have thought of asking if he'd mine if i had a Master, online or real life. I have thought of just doing online behind his back... I know he will never dominate me again. So I am hurt and frustrated but still love him.

Answer
Hi, Cara,

For some people, interest in BDSM is genuine and intense but not permanent. I've known some sincere and capable people who seem to have satisfied their need and returned to vanilla. It's not a problem usually, just when there is a partner involved.

You're going to need to make some tough decisions. First, understand that although you want BDSM in your life very much, not having it won't kill you. If it comes to having to make a choice between your marriage and your BDSM, you could safely opt for the marriage if that's what you wanted. It would take work and there would be regrets, but you could do it.

Before you go that route, though, have an honest discussion with your husband. Be forthcoming about your hurt and frustration, tell him your thoughts and feelings and what you'd like to have happen. After all, you're not the one that changed. He needs to realize that your interest in BDSM remains, even though his no longer exists. I'm sure he didn't mean for this to happen but his need is being met. It's time for the two of you to give some consideration to meeting yours, as well. It might be that he could play the role enough to give you the satisfaction you're lacking now.

If not, and the solution is to bring another dominant into the relationship, the first thing to do is decide on some rules with which you're both comfortable. I would suggest limits on intimate sexual behavior and on the time you spend with the other dom as a start. Your husband could feel threatened by the new relationship, so showing him that there are boundaries and that you stick to them will help. So will setting aside time for the two of you. Agree that the BDSM relationship will never interfere with the primary one. Your new dominant will have to understand and accept the conditions. If you're honest about your situation from the beginning, you may well find just the person you need.

If all you need is the control, you might want to think about a female dominant. I suspect your husband would be ok with that. But don't offer that as an option unless you're 100 percent behind it yourself.

You're in an unhappy situation that's no fault of your own, Cara. It's good that you want to take action to remedy the situation; you seem to have a good grasp of your personal power. Please use it to negotiate with your husband. And then, who knows, you may be able to happily and willingly give some of it up. :)

Mistress Violette