Expert: arani_CsA - 5/10/2007

Question
Hello, I am hoping you maybe able to help find some incite. I'm am a 20 year old female and have been in a long standing relationship with my boyfriend whom I love very very much. But I'm running into a few snags a fear may be the "make it" or "break it" part of our relationship. I have come to realize over the last few years that I am a sub at heart and crave dominance more than even I like to acknowledge. I don't know yet if even I am at peace with my sub servant nature and have many internal qualms about it. (I feel bad and sexually wrong...please know I am not judging anyone here only myself. I cant help think of the shame Id bring if anyone where to find out. But in the same aspect its a bit of a turn on filling dirty too.) In any case I don't think I can change it and even if I could I'm not sure Id want too, but coming to grips with how deep my sub desire goes is a challenge for me. Let alone try to talk about it to with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong he knows of it we have talked about it a few time and he has been a champ about it, integrating spanking, even bondage and a gag...but something still not there... and he tries he really does and I love him all the more for it. But I just dont think he is a  master (so to speak) at heart, he is gentle and sweet by nature and i think he is scarred to death of hurting me, and i want him to. I am at a loss of what to do, I really dont think its something hes truly into, but he would do anything to please me. For instance I dont think he wants to have s&m and bondage ever time we get intimate but it is what I want its what gets me going. I cant remember a sexual fantasy in the last 4 years that was without me being under the mercy of someone else. And if I try to imagine a more a typical sexual fantasy it blows out my flame, like that. I know and understand master and slave is about trust and I trust him with my life but I dont know what else to say or do to convey to him my very real needs. nor do I wanna force him into something hes not gonna like,and like I said Iknow he would do anything to please me even something that was not exactly is flavor. But he says he doesn't know his role, and has a hard time talking during sex,plus his fear of hurting me and I think for him the bondage and other stuff is fun sometimes...but he always jumps the gun. Plus on top of it we live with roommates so we have to be semi quite and discrete .The 24/7 stuff sounds I dont know like a great dream world but I dont know that it would work for us mostly for him but because it frankly also scars the s**t out of me. I think I know what i want deep down (a know what turns me own and what my dream consist of) but some how it dosent play out the way I want it between us, I think its do to his hesitance. I dont want this to ruin us but i have a deep laid fear that if not fixed in the future it may ruin us. what should I do?

Thanks for your time and any advise.
Kiss kiss
Lara

Answer
Hello...

First of all, I want to tell you that you're not alone in your fears and your concerns regarding your submission.  Most submissive women that I have known go through this type of period of self-discovery.  But I do want to assure you that there's nothing wrong with you.  This world is made up of all different types, and wouldn't it be a boring place if we were all alike?

I suggest that you and your boyfriend do some research into the Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  This represents a broad spectrum, from people who just enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, through full-blown Master/slave relationships like my husband and I have.  And everywhere in between.

In the BDSM lifestyle, we have a sort of creed that we like to use -- Safe, Sane, Consensual.  First of all, be sure that you play safely.  It is quite possible for your boyfriend to do serious harm to you, and his fear here is very reasonable.  There's a subtle difference between delivering blows that leave welts on your back for a few days, and blows that can damage your kidneys and send you to the hospital.  And it would be awfully hard to explain to the ER doctor why you have rope burns on your wrists or permanent scars on your back from a whip.  Experience is a big factor here, for both the Dominant and the submissive.  My husband has learned to watch me very carefully, and to back off when he thinks I have had enough.  And we also have a "safeword," that I can use when I am feeling the wrong sort of pain, or am just not getting into things like I should.  

It's also important to be aware of what kind of play activities you are into, and what you don't care to have anything to do with.  Be sure that your partner is aware of your limits, although a good Dominant will do his best to push you past those limits.  For instance, when my husband and I first got together, anal sex was a big no-no for me.  But eventually I grew to crave it, and even beg for it.

Now, as to your boyfriend not being comfortable with this kind of play, I'm not sure that's necessarily going to change.  You shouldn't have to force him to beat you, just like he shouldn't force you to be beaten.  This should be something that he wants to do because it turns him on, not just to make you happy.  (Although there are many who feel that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship.  I'll leave you to puzzle over that one.)  Again, research the lifestyle along with your boyfriend, and have an open and frank discussion about what it is that turns you on about it (as well as what turns him off).  Decide if it's something that the two of you can share, but be aware that it may well not be the case.  If you try and coerce him into doing something that doesn't please him, eventually he's going to resent it, and the two of you may come to a bitter ending.

Another thing you will learn, as you discover more about the lifestyle, is that it is the responsibility of the Dominant or Master to protect his submissive.  Yes, he benefits from having her do things for him -- whether that be doing his laundry or having really wild kinky sex.  But she is his property, and would a man spend a lot of money on an expensive sports car and not take care of it?  Training a submissive to know your needs and be able to do what you expect of her takes a lot of time and effort.  

Okay, here are some good websites to visit, for basic information about BDSM and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://steel-door.com/Chamber.html

One more good suggestion is to find a group of BDSM'ers that meets in your area, and attend a few functions.  Here you can meet others who share your interests, watch how they interact with each other, and learn from them.  You can find a listing of groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  (But be aware that many of these groups require that you be 21 years of age to attend.)

Good luck to both of you, and if you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius