Expert: Oscar G. - 7/6/2007

Question
I have been a Sir for some time now but have never followed many of the formal rules of M/s protocol because I've often found them to be too subjective and all too often folks will only follow the ones that suit them.  I typically opt for a respect/courtesy statement when interacting with others in the lifestyle.

I have had a collared sub/slave whom was asked by a former Play-Dom (no actual relationship other than the occasional playing around) had asked her to write Him a letter of reference for a slave He is looking to train without consulting Me in advance.  I took this as rude and, again, subjectively following protocol.

In my dealings with collared slaves, I had always assumed it was universal that any favors another Dom (or sub for that matter) would ask would be asked through said collared slave's Dom/Domme.  Am I wrong in this?

-Sir Charlie, 27

Answer
Dear Sir:

First I must apologize about my delay to contact you, since the holidays got on the crossfire. While you are right some form of protocol are relative and/or subjective we could agree some  stuff is "common courtesy". Although in this modern age of informalisms and lack of manners some things leave a lot to be desired.
The situation you describe, looking from your own point of view, it is indeed rude and breaking courtesy or politeness.
At least from my own point of view, one should consult/ask the lady's present owner/Dom for just about anything. But then again, society being what it is today. Perhaps the gent thought it was not that big of a deal to ask her directly, since it was nothing too intimate, or that would affect you (or so he thinks!) After all he did not ask to play again with her or do something deeper on the BDSM realm.
Perhaps in his own mind it was a friend asking a friend a favor, not being in a 24/7 type mode or mentality. Some people live BDSM as a hobby, or without heavy protocols. Perhaps what should have happened, ideally, is that your lady should have gotten previous instruction from you, that any and all requests from any Dom or male should be screened through you, even if the gent in question bypassed you. IN that way she follows YOUR protocol, nobody from the outside gets away with anything and you create a proper format where people will either address you directly, or not at all since they will figure out she will tell you everything. From there you can approve or disapprove. Or tell her to send a polite message to him to address you directly , if that is your preference, and want to make things that formalized.
But ideally, yes, the gent should have asked you directly if he could ask a favor of her, explaining what it was, then you think, no big deal, and the transaction happens.

Next time, ask your lady to submit those request through you. And address the gent about the situation if you think it warrants it, explaining how to approach YOU next time in regards to her. For some people sounds like  a lot of control, but it is between you and her if you feel comfortable with dealing this way or not.

As I said there may be more variables involved and different mental attitudes involved, to make a complete judgement, but it is by no means a condemnation. Just talk with her what you expect of her in those situation, before hand. The faux pas of other people, are then, theirs that way, not yours.

I hope this answers your query.
Best regards.
Oscar G.