Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/29/2007

Question
Hello Mistress Violette,

My name is Mike. I am a straight Dom living in London, England. I have been involved in BDSM lifestyle for 5 years
now but really only a years experience. Mainly going to clubs and a few private sessions. Like many before me I have tried to block these thoughts of the perverse and kink even taking time to forget BDSM, but they keep coming back over and over again, therefore I have decided to go with it and see where I end up. Probably in a mad house (-:

My problem is my profile, I am not sure what to write. I have tried to be myself, but the single female subs are looking for highly experienced male Doms. Doms /Masters who have been doing this for 5 - 20 years. Some of the Doms or Masters assign their subs to find other femle subs. An email from a female sub to another female sub to come and join them or an email from Dom with little experience, No contest really.

Most of the time I do not get a reply or a reply to say not what I am looking for or I am seeing someone at the moment and I want to see where it goes (which is probably
not true they are just letting me down gently and I would prefer they are brutally honest, I am not going to lean otherwise).

I see the BDSM community (certainly in England) looks after their own. When you are accepted you can make friends
easily and they will look after you (especially if you are a young female sub). When your not, your an outsider. People probably see me as a wannabe Dom or a player (not sue what that is), but I am not, I am sure of it. I have had my initial wannabe stage and I may have been
a little imature, but I am still here. I respect others in the community and aware of the rules.

People on this particular site are good at writing profiles
intelligent people, who should probably be writing articles for magazines, great story writers even poetry. Others are very sure of themselves and no what they want, so where does that leave me. I am a little self conscious I suppose.I tried to walk away but part of me wants to follow this lifestyle it is exciting, daunting and some fear involved.
I was always concerned what if I did wrong at the clubs, my intention was to inflect pain in a sensual way. I strive to be a good Dom, learning from others, reading literature and I have a interest to make my own toys which
are crude but work efficiently.

I have rambled on too much I think. Do you have any advice
for me please. Any sites I should visit, (I am a member of hogtied and learnt alot about bondage and humiliation)
BDSM contact sites I could join. special ways I should write my profile and literature I should read (already have SM101 and Forget the roses send me the thorns).
Anyone in England I could contact for advice.

Any information would be appreciated.

Mike. London, England  

Answer
Hello, Mike,

You didn't ramble on at all. The more information I have, the better my answer. I appreciate the details you provided.

You're right about your profile. The thing to do is be yourself. I'm wondering if maybe the problem isn't what you write but your outlook. You seem conflicted about BDSM. If there's a hint of that creeping into your profile, it could be causing a problem.

Like most things, there's a spectrum of thought about BDSM. On one end are the people who think their BDSM relationships are wondrous and much better than anyone else's vanilla relationships. What they don't realize is that they probably weren't satisfied with their vanilla relationships because they were just that, vanilla and devoid of BDSM. So, yes, BDSM relationships are wondrous, for them. And vanilla ones are just as wondrous to vanilla people.

On the other end of the spectrum are people who are uncomfortable with their interest in BDSM, who think there's something wrong with doing what it is we do. They usually think this way because they've internalized what the vanilla world thinks, they've accepted the assessment of people who really have no idea what BDSM is all about. These folks need to step back and look at their desires objectively, not within the context of someone else's judgement.

Opinion about BDSM is one place where it pays to be average.  I believe the happiest and healthiest of BDSM players know that BDSM is something that satisfies them and isn't deviant or hurtful. It's not a "dark side," it's just a side. Once you understand and accept that side of yourself, life is going to be easier for you, Mike, and maybe finding a partner will be, too.

It's a cliche that we usually find someone when we stop looking. Things become cliches because they're true. I'm not telling you to take down your ad. I am saying not to make finding a partner your primary focus. Making friends in the BDSM community is what you need to do now. You want to meet men and woman, doms and subs, people who will help you learn and support you as you do. You'll be able to discuss ideas with these folks and odds are good you'll even get some opportunity to practice technique, once you're known. As you've noted, most BDSM groups look after their own. They're  likely to look more favorably on a guy seeking knowledge than one seeking play.

Your location will work in your favor here. It's easier to find established groups in major cities. Look for some that have both an online and offline presence. Read the discussions, looking for people you might like as friends. Then join in the discussion, as someone interested in learning and making friends. If you can do that genuinely, you'll likely be accepted. If so, you'll eventually be able to meet in person and expand both your knowledge and your circle of acquaintances.

Many people on personals sites are players and wannabees. Some are vanilla people wanting to poke fun or find sexual excitement. Some are people who aren't desirable in the vanilla world and find acceptance among kinky people. Some are there for money or other advantage. I've heard of success stories on these sites, too. I just think you're further ahead to look for friends because that's often how you also find a partner.

Another thing you have going for you is that you expect to do the work it takes to become a capable dominant. There are  many people who think they don't have to do that. Your realistic grasp of this fact makes you a stand out already. You need to explore ideas, especially with other people. You need to see how other people play and be able to know why they do what they do.

You're probably using personals sites that are primarily for UK people, so I don't the experience with them to be able to recommend one to you. Three well know and somewhat international ones are http://bondage.com/ http://www.collarme.com/ and http://alt.com/ I'm recommending them not for you to post a profile but for you to look at the discussions. Collarme and Bondage.com have excellent discussions, Alt.com also lists groups. Read extensively at these sites and I think you'll be amazed at what you can learn.

You've chosen your books well, you just need more sites. As a rule, pay sites are not the best places to learn about BDSM. They cater to fantasy more than to BDSM as it's lived in real life. Here are some good places for you to check out:

I haven't found a better and more comprehensive site than this one, so start here:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

For additional information and perspectives:
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

I think you're on the right track, Mike. There's nothing wrong with you for having an interest in BDSM. As you explore more, I suspect you'll come to realize that and it will make a difference in how you approach others and in their interest in you. Learn, make friends and have fun, because that course could eventually lead you to the sub of your dreams.

Mistress Violette