Expert: Oscar G. - 8/17/2007

Question
Hi Oscar,
While there is a fetish community in my area, I am averse to joining.  Even if nobody actually has sex or plays while at a certain event, sex is the core reason for people’s meeting there, and I’m just not comfortable with having that unstated question hanging over the head of everyone I meet.   I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m a closet case, but I came by my closet honestly and with much introspection.  Deserting my “closet” would be deserting a part of myself I’m not willing to give up.
Here’s what I think of the BDSM community.  If this seems like a rude or mean-spirited assessment, please understand that this is the wall I am up against, and if I wasn’t having such a problem scaling it I wouldn’t be emailing you for advice.
1.  Fetishism is a symptom of emotional damage, whether a major trauma or some small forgotten event of childhood.  Even if there is somebody, somewhere, who came upon fetishism with no emotional damage whatsoever (whatever that would mean), he is still willfully portraying the IMAGE of emotional damage.
2. There is nothing wrong with emotional damage.  It can’t necessarily be controlled, and I think it’s fair to say that everyone has it in one way or another.  
3.  However, we have a choice as to how we deal with this damage.  
4.  Some people choose to revel in this damage, show it off, play with it, complain about it, use it as an excuse for not moving forward in life, and try to make everyone believe that their pain is worse than everybody else’s.  Ever notice that most punk rockers outgrow their mohawks sometime in their ‘20s, but there are 35-year-old Goths everywhere?  I think that’s why.  And I think being part of a fetish community implies the same sort of preening over one’s wounds.
5.  Other people choose to ignore their personal pain, overcome it to the best of their ability, and continue to do whatever they think is the most important thing they can be doing.  Do you know if John Wayne’s daddy loved him enough?  Because I don’t.      
6.  I like to think that I’m in the latter category, or at least I’m striving to be.  I’m smart, fit, educated, financially stable, and gaining more of these things every day.
7.  And don’t think I haven’t explored other avenues of dealing with my demons.  OK, I was in therapy for a while, I wrote poetry for a while, I was an angry bald chick with too many piercings for a while, etc., and I’ve found that nothing is a better remedy for personal problems than simple determination and hard work.   Sometimes I want to throw my arms up and moan about how rotten everything is, but that would gain me nothing but (real or imagined) pity, make those around me uncomfortable, make me a weaker person, and in many circumstances actually inhibit my future goals.  And the great thing about biting my lip is, the more I do it, the easier it is.  
8.  So if I hold myself to these rigid standards, how can I possibly hold a man to anything less?  Especially a man to whom I want to entrust my body and mind in these ways?
Anyway, sorry that was so long and sorry if that was less a question than a gnashing-of-teeth.  I guess I’m just trying to have my cake and eat it too.  But thanks for listening.

Answer
Often enough venting out and letting stuff out is the first step in a fresh point of view or a break through toward something different instead of going in circles.

It will take times to find what you need (and want), but at least you are defined what you want, or at least what you do not want. Perhaps looking outside BDSM circles could be the answer, but it is an extra step to "seduce" or teach a vanilla person into kink. But not impossible or unheard off.
Precisely because you are high caliber and high standards, it is normal that average people will not do it for you, but above average people are also less in numbers, and even less so if into BDSM, so the search will take a bit.
But figure out that it will be worth it. And also  realize none of us are perfect and we all have flaws to deal, and forgive at times. But the trick is to decide what can you live with.
While what i wrote may not be exactly an answer either at least it can help you to have an alternative point of view.
Best wishes in you quest.
OG