Expert: Oscar G. - 8/15/2007

Question
Maybe this is more of a cry of frustration than a question... I'm a 27 year old girl.  I have known I was submissive since I was 16 and I'm OK with that.  But after an embarrassing display of being a slut for a while (don't we all regret being teenagers once?) I find that I'm really rather a prudish sort of person.  And I like it that way.  I know that I COULD hang out in fetish clubs or online, but it strikes me as tacky because I feel like I'm "trolling for sex partners".  And, frankly, it seems that it's better, safer, and saner to know someone for a while when sex is NOT a question, so that at least you know that you like them as a person in more than one sort of situation.  I like the idea of just meeting someone normally, as a friend, and slowly building up that combination of trust, human respect, and excitement that eventually boils over into romance.  That's the way it's SUPPOSED to be (at least, in my book).  But as somebody who is at least statistically abnormal when it comes to sex, that has gotten me... a decade's worth of really cool boyfriends who just can't satisfy me in bed.  I've found that most eager gents can be trained to do just about anything, including spank me, but that's just not the same as finding someone already equipped with the knowhow and desire.  Is there no compromise?!?

Answer
Dear Lindsay:

There is always room for compromise. But takes time and patience to find not what we want but what we need. In some aspects if you want someone experienced, but around your young age, it is a bit of a tall order. So perhaps someone older (but not necessarily more experienced)  could fill that aspect. But courting and seducing is an aspect of relationships that does not need to be absent of BDSM. But you got to give yourself the place as a person who needs/wants that and express it to potential partners.
Let it be damned if their are DOm and what they say is "their way", at this point it is about your needs not theirs.

You can go to BDSM munches and meet people socially, without having to even play, much less have sex people. And even at some clubs and dungeons, you could have some BDSM play, but no sex. It is all a question of advancing slowly once you get to know someone, without being full on.
It is all a question if slowing down and defining what you want and need. And make those needs clear to your partner.

Even if you like BDSM does not mean you have to give up  dating somewhat normally and following that more leisurely pattern of dating. Try local BDSM teaching organizations and social munches,  which take pressure off playing and more in socializing and learning.

I hope this helps for you.
Be well and be safe.

Oscar G.