Expert: arani_CsA - 8/26/2007

Question
arani_CsA,

i have been in slave training for a wonderful Master, but since i divulged to him about my abusive childhood, he has been supportive in one sense, but appears to have backed away in another. i am getting counselling as an adult survivor of childhood abuse and my counsellor has already said that i developed excellent coping skills by myself, but Master is now wanting to slow things down a bit because he wants to be sure that i came into the relationship understanding what i was getting into versus trying to get away from the traumas of the past. Firstly i do appreciate where he is coming from, but i have proven to be a much stronger person mentally than most and have succeeded where most have failed. i started the counselling on his instructions and see that it may help iron out the few remaining glitches, but not do much else because i have moved on with my life, thirty years after the abuse took place.  My problem is that my slave training (Gorean) was very intense, keeping me constantly learning, being punished for errors and plenty of things to memorize.  i am a person who has always required a heavy amount of mental stimulation, being an above average learner, and thrive best when kept constantly busy both physically and mentally, but if i am not mentally kept busy and can avoid thinking about things because i am bored, i can easily slip back to thinking about the abuse, feel sorry for myself, get very bored, lean towards laziness/apathy and eventually this will lead me to just seek out more mental stimulation elsewhere.  Master does not appear to understand any of this, nor does he realize that lowering the intensity level of my training, though intentionally meaning to not push me over the edge regarding my trauma, is actually doing the opposite because i learnt to cope on my own years ago and am known for the strength i built up. my slave training has slowed to barely a crawl. my daily activities include sitting and waiting for Master to come home, when i am at his place, not knowing when he will be home, not allowed to read or do anything, and i am finding that annoyance is creeping in, as well as anger, frustration and i am finding that i am now thinking about my abuse and it is threatening my very mental stability as well as my respect, love and trust of my Master. i have tried to ask is Master is losing interest in his slave or if slave has done something wrong, but he punishes me for that as he says i will always be his slave.  Before he wanted to have me be his slave 24/7 by the end of the next two years and now he has extended that to 5 years saying that we need time to let our relationship grow before we commit to that. Before he wanted to punish me regularly, even when i wasn't in error and would take me to different places to let me become accustomed to being a slave in public, now the toys and bondage equipment rarely comes out and the punishments are sometimes left to the next morning, or as in today, till Monday.  Before, he was concerned that my counselling would turn me into a Mistress, but i have explained a few times to him that that would never happen because i already knew that i wanted the submissive role and have lived a similar life to a slave, but willingly and enjoy doing things for him, but now when i explain this he just says that he is not being hard enough on me, yet he does nothing to be harder.  i want him to be harder on me, to push me more, to drive me more, to teach me more, to help me set smaller goals in between, to give me deadlines, to let me work towards my slavery with the enthusiasm and fast pace that i enjoy and was doing when we first started. my slavery now seems no different to my regular life with my children. my children leave my home in a mess and have little respect around my home, but i keep on top of that and get things on track. my work is boring and no longer stimulating. i go to Master's home and i still do the same things as i do in regular life, but would do for him without a second thought and without instruction, even if i was not his slave and just his girlfriend or wife.  my training at Master's consists of housework, sitting by the door until he comes home who knows when, sitting in my corner to do nothing until he needs me whilst he now plays cards on his computer, filling his glass, occassionally servicing his other needs (private) and sleeping in my corner.  i am learning nothing, losing hope in my slavery, feeling ignored by my Master, unsure of how to communicate this to him, unable to even get him angry enough to make him snap out of this, and wishing that i had not been honest with about my childhood as it has seemingly destroyed everything.  i love my Master, but i am dying inside because i know my own mind, my strengths and my weaknesses, know my limits/abilities/etc. and know how to rise to find strengths that i have not yet discovered within myself when called to do so.  i am brutally honest, caring, love to serve, and am devoutly loyal, but i feel that i am losing everything. i feel that my Master either is being overly kind, feels disgust for me but won't tell me, is feeding me words to shut me up, ignores me otherwise, and has given me this training collar for what? For a piece of memorabilia or as a play toy? Master was going to give me till December to earn my permanent collar, now it seems that it may be a year or more, but if this is what training is then why wait a year? i have had 20 years of practice doing housework, entertaining myself, and being ignored.  What's the point in waiting because all it is doing is making me nervous, insecure and unsure of myself when i was confident, secure and happy within myself before i had to go through the unnecessary hell of reliving a part of my life where justice will never be served and i have moved on from it.  Please can you advise me?

Answer
Hello...

Thanks for coming to me with your problem.  I will do what I can to help you find a solution.

You say that you are being trained in Gorean slavery.  Since I am a Gorean slave myself, and have been for almost 9 years, that gives me a bit more of a perspective on where you are coming from.  I gather, from what you have said, that you are new to Gorean slavery.  Has your Master ever owned and trained a slave before?

First of all, Masters -- whether they be Gorean or otherwise -- are not trained educators or psychologists.  They have usually had no one to show them how to master a slave, or how to understand a woman's unique psychological make-up, or have any deep understanding of the particular needs of a survivor of abuse like yourself.  There is a lot more to training a slave than just sitting back and telling her what to do while you reap the benefits, but unfortunately I have found very few men who understand this.

Secondly, in a BDSM household, the slave's needs govern the relationship.  I have often heard it said that the submissive is the one who has the real control in the relationship.  She is allowed limits, has a safeword, and basically is allowed to specify when she will serve as well as where and how.  A Gorean slave doesn't have that.  In a Gorean M/s relationship, the slave's needs simply don't matter.  It is all about the Master, and his needs.

A big part of slave training has to do with helping the slave to put aside her own needs.  She must learn that it is not she who determines how she must serve, but the Master.  If it is his desire for her to sit on a chair for hours, doing nothing, then that is his right.  

In addition, in a Gorean household, a slave must often take on the majority of her own training.  Instead of sitting around and waiting for her Master to tell her what to do, it is her duty to learn to observe him very closely and determine his needs without having to be told.  She must, on her own, learn what changes she needs to make in herself in order to meet those needs and to become more pleasing to her Master.  And then she must set about making those changes.  That may mean learning how to cook his favorite foods, or it may mean learning how to find the inner serenity that will allow her to sit quietly until he needs her.

There is much more to being a slave than being submissive.  In fact, I don't have a submissive bone in my body.  Oh, I'm certainly obedient.  If I wasn't I would surely be punished.  But being pleasing has much more to do with being obedient.  It means having the initiative and the creativity to figure out what your Master wants without him having to take the time to tell you.  Your duty is to make life easier for him, whatever that means.  Personally, there are many times when, if my Master has to give me a command, that I feel I have failed as a slave.

When my current Master collared me seven years ago, I initially had a great many rituals to perform on a daily basis.  My daily routine was rigidly controlled, and I had to report to Master on a regular basis.  But then there came a point when he was assured of my obedience and my ability to do what he needed me to do.  At that point, he turned my training over to me, myself.  It is up to me to figure out what I need to do, not just to keep a clean and well-run house, but to improve myself physically and mentally.  He lets me know when I'm not doing what he wants me to do -- sometimes.  At other times, I know I'm doing the right thing because he's not correcting me.

There is actually a reference to this very thing in the Gorean books.  I don't have the exact reference handy, but there is a place where a slave is told something like this (paraphrased):  "Do you know who your best trainer will be?  You, yourself, as you learn to use the gifts and the creativity that you were born with, to seek how to be what your Master wants you to be."

It may be that your Master is expecting you to learn patience, to learn that inner stillness that will allow you to sit quietly and wait on him.  Just because he hasn't told you this doesn't mean it isn't so.  I have a very active mind, myself, and if I have to sit for any length of time it starts to wander off in areas that sometimes cause me to get into trouble.  But there are ways to learn to do just that.

Perhaps you could ask your Master to allow you to research ways to enable you to find that inner serenity and stillness.  It might be through finding something to do to keep your hands busy, with sewing or reading or something similiar.  It might mean learning to meditate or use some similar method.  Study how monks and others who lead a life of contemplation learn to control their thoughts.  (I see a great deal of similarity between slavery and these men and women who choose a life of contemplation in service to their God.  They learn to subdue their own needs and desires, and even their very thoughts, to open themselves up to what God wishes to show them.  No, slavery or Gor are not religions, but there is a great deal of spirituality to be found in slavery.)

Lastly, speak openly to your Master about what you are feeling.  Masters find it very pleasing when their slaves reveal to them, without having to be told, their inner thoughts and desires.  I guarantee he will be flattered when you ask him for help.  He may tell you to go find the solution on your own, and then present him with options and allow him to choose which he wants you to follow.

As you said, you already know how to clean house and prepare his food and drink.  There is apparently something else your Master wants you to learn, and perhaps he is wanting you to figure out what that something is.

Good luck to you,
arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius