Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/12/2007

Question
I've recently become interested in the lifestyle from talking to a dom and his slave on the phone i suppose I've always been submissive in every relationship I've had but  I've had no real time experience i do have a partner at the moment but he is in prison for something he did to me as he had been violent on a few occasions in the past we've talked through our problems and have decided we are going to stay together as i feel he has now took the right steps to getting the help he needs and has admitted he has a problem. i guess what I'm asking is how can i move our relationship into a bdsm one and do you think it would be a bad idea as he has been violent in the past. i so much want to try this as its something that really excites  
Emma

Answer
Hello, Emma,

I think you're wise to wonder if getting your partner involved in BDSM is a good idea. My opinion is that it's not. Here are a couple of worst case scenarios. One is that he thinks your interest is morally or psychologically wrong. Another is that he views it as a round about way of you telling him violence is acceptable. Another is that he is indifferent to your interest. All of these scenarios could be damaging for you, especially the first two, which could trigger more violence. The thing is, I believe each of these scenarios is more likely than that he'll have a healthy interest in kink. Both domestic violence and BDSM are, at the heart, about control. Your partner has already shown that he doesn't handle control issues well. Yes, he's admitted he has a problem and is getting help. Still, asking him to get involved in dominance and submission could be like asking a recovering alcoholic to have just one little drink.

You said your partner has been violent on a few occasions. The fact that he's in jail says that something serious happened. Although time has passed and you seem comfortable continuing the relationship, I'm concerned for you. What you've been through has been traumatic and can have long lasting consequences. If you haven't talked with a domestic violence counselor about your decision to continue the relationship, please consider doing so. It's possible your partner is one of those who will beat the odds and not re-offend, but it's good to share your thinking with someone who is impartial and has experience in this area. Also, you'll be better able to help yourself and him if you have the knowledge and tools a counselor can give you.    

I'm going to recommend that you do a little more research into BDSM before deciding whether it's something you want to get into. Sometimes people mistake personality traits for an interest in BDSM. Being "submissive" in relationships doesn't always equate to being sexually submissive. Also, being excited about BDSM related practices doesn't mean you're into BDSM. Some people enjoy all sorts of role play. These folks incorporate dominance and submission play into vanilla sex because it's exciting, not because they want to be involved in the power exchange that is the basis of BDSM. You need to be sure of what you want before actively pursuing it.

At the end of this message I've included some links you might find helpful. Please let me know if there's any additional information I can give you.

Regards,

Mistress Violette

Links

Information about BDSM in general:
http://gloriabrame.com/kinkylinks/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm

Information on BDSM and domestic violence:
http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml
http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/u.htm
http://www.butch-femme.com/dv.html

List of kink aware professionals:
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270