Expert: Oscar G. - 3/23/2007

Question
Hi and thanks in advance for the help.
I am a sub in a loving, fulfilling, stable relationship with a dom-at-heart. Even though not all that experienced myself, I am much more aware of my sexuality then he is and have experimented with BDSM with another partner before. After long, honest, open discussions, some lighter and some heavier experimenting, my partner is now also coming to terms with his needs, albeit exremely slowly and with difficulty. He is still fighting with himself and experiencing strong feelings of (both culturally and religiously induced) guilt. It is obvious to both of us that he enjoys it when we play, but cannot (for all our talks) really accept just how much I DO enjoy and even NEED submitting to him, or that he is not just "being an ass" when he acts dominant -or as he puts it: "selfishly"- during sex. I want to help him and promised (as a start) to find some material online that might help him understand both his and my needs better, but I feel lost in a sea of articles about specific aspects of BDSM. I need something that dwells more into the psychological and emotional region of dominance and submission.
Any ideas? Or any other general advice on how a sub can train her dom? ;)

Answer
Hi El:

The best way to intellectually/mentally make him see your point of  view , id that you are pleasing him and what he does to you actually pleases you too, so it is not a one-way selfish relationship. You get plenty by him being your dominant lover, and if he wasn't you would not be enjoying the relationship as much.
It is not painful or wrong if you ask for it, and secondly if you are actually enjoying it, and not actually hurting you at all. He is bringing you pleasure and satisfaction , which could be perhaps the greatest gift one gives to partner. Make him see he is actually pain attention to you and vice versa. Show it off...moan nicely if gagged, move excitedly on his ropes and hands, tell him how good it feels during before and after. Ego stroking helps.
I would actually recommend books in a library. So much good material has appeared in the latter years in respect to BDSM and the proper mentality. One i could recommend is "the Loving Dominant" by John Warren Ph.D..  Also "screw the roses, give me the thorns" by Philip Miller & Molly Devon.
On line there is  a lot of info and a variety of styles, none are wrong, and all have something that can help.
BDSM defined  is like life. It is different for everybody and your definition fits only you and maybe no one else.
But accepting yourself and what you like is a sure sign of growing up and self awareness.

I hope this helps.
Oscar G