Expert: Oscar G. - 8/25/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

I've been with my husband for ten years. In the last three years I've realized that I have a need to submit. My ideal situation is one that I'd live in submission 24/7. I am constantly researching, reading, and imagining the lifestyle. It's soooo deep in my blood that I ache for it. I've even thought at times that my marriage wouldn't work and that I needed to leave to fulfill my need.

I have talked to my husband about my desires. He and I actually tried to get help from a Dom to train him so we could live our lives this way. I have a huge problem... my husband is submissive. lol... As much as I beg in my head that he be my Dom, he just doesn't have it in him. At least I don't think he does. I control every aspect of our lives. We have children too that I take care of. The man doesn't have to do anything but go to work everyday. I suppose one could look at that as I am already his submissive.?

I'm really lost. I'm afraid that if I can't live my life as a submissive that I'll eventually leave him. Over the last three years I've found that we are growing apart and I know it's my fault.  

Do you have any advice for us because I really do love this man with all my heart.

ANSWER: Hello Lyn:

It is indeed a complex situation. And there are no easy answers. 24/7 is an all-encompassing situation that would/could detract from daily real life tasks and obligations. But could exists once other life obligations are met.
But there is hope. The fact that you love your husband and talked to him, leaves plenty of room for working out a solution. The fact that he is sub like you (or sub in a different way?) perhaps you both could explore your desires together, if there is room for you to serve together if you enjoy similar things. The trick comes, whom to serve? who do we sub too? And here is where the self analysis and personal tastes and definition come to help you to answer these questions.
You both could find a Dom couple or a Domme/Domina who would like to have not one but 2 submissive. But would not work if you are not Bi. Also you have to figure out if the level of servitude is sexual or non-sexual, after all spanking and bondage (for example) can be enjoyed without sex and for some people that is enough to satisfy them.
But it requires talking it out with your partner to find out what you both really need and want and decide what you each can explore and compromise for each other. You both could have what you desire, but as long as you are honest and upfront.

He also has needs, find out what they are. Figure out how both can mesh together. Either by both being sub to someone you both can agree. or Him being dom for special occasions that would scratch your itch. Or plain being open in the relation and you having a DOm that will take of you needs as a sub, but not emotionally/romantically.
However be aware that you will develop feelings for you Dom , even if you may and will love your husband.
But the bottom line is to talk to/with him and decide what would be best for you both. After all he seems to care enough to having tried something new for you and you do love him. So i think a compromise could work well.

I hope this gives some insights and possibilities of what you could do. I wish you the best in your quest.
OG

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear OG,
 This is something that I am willing to bring to the table (again). I have in the past asked him if he would be interested in seeing a Dom/Domme. The question has never been answered by a yes or a no.

My need is total 24/7 power exchange. To wake up serving and to sleep at his feet at night. Yes, the sexual aspect is nice but, not a need above the mental submission I crave. I did see a Domme (not sexual) for a short while behind my husbands back, terrible I know and am ashamed that I still have not told him. I really learned a lot from her and wished that it could have continued. I've had some (non sexual) training on line also for a few years. So I'm well aware of my desires which are deep. Should I come clean with my "affairs"?

To answer your question, yes, I have been with other women before. My husband and I are in the lifestyle of swinging. Am I bi? Certainly not curious any longer but I don't yearn to be with women, I just like to eat once in a while for spice.

My problem still lies in my husband. He does like taking the control in the bedroom. He finds it exciting. So I suppose he could be good at the sexual aspect of BDSM. But, I can't get past that it's him and I still feel like the stronger person in the room because I have to teach him what to do. When I say he is submissive, it's not at all like me. His nature is to follow me. He is a very giving and willing person in general.

Do you think that a third person could take my control and give it to my husband? I think that if I were told by another to do what my husband says that I would be able to free my mind. Essentially I'd be following orders from that third person right?

Sorry If this is a lot. I've just not ever had anyone to ask until I found this site.

Sincerely,
Lyn

Answer
Hi Again Lyn:

Having those more specific details I could say that perhaps a 3rd person could work, specially if your husband happens to learn something on what specifics of BDSM you really enjoy. I think his devotion to you is about pleasing you , since he loves you. Do not confuse his devotion for weakness or submission. No one will know what you like if you do not tell of your needs and tell him how to to take care of them. If you do not want to teach him, asks someone else to teach him.
However, Think: Will you teach him once and  he will pick it up from there...or will he need reinforcement and plenty of guidance? if it it only needed once, you do it. Otherwise, bring help aboard.

In this case the problem would be your perception of him, and not telling him what you really NEED to have. Being swingers could help into easing having a 3rd in the dynamics. But you have to be aware of what do you want to obtain and try to implement it with everyone being aware of the situation. In this way the teaching process is complete and he would get involved knowing it will delight you and pleasure you. And who knows? He might like to see what is done to you by that 3rd before he takes it upon himself to do it to you (teaching by example).

Once again, I hope this helps.

OG