Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/15/2007

Question
i have so many questions, but the main one i have now is i don't know how to talk to my own Master. i have only just become His slave, and we were relatively vanilla for the past year. i've been reading, almost obsessively, about submissive vs. slave and things to look for in a Dom or Master. i also find myself misbehaving for attention, even if it is negative. i know this is not something i need to be doing, and i need to stop before it becomes a pattern. i want to be a good slave, i know there is absolutely nothing i wouldn't do for Him. i'm afraid i obsess too much and i become pushy. how best would i go about pointing out to Him the things i love without being disrespectful. He, too, is new to Mastering and i have found readings for Him...but i fear that the way i present them may look like i don't have trust in his abilities. i just plainly do not know how to go about making my voice heard in a respectful manner. any guidance You could offer would ......

Answer
Hello, Reagan,

Do you think it might be time to stop and let some of what you've been reading just soak in? You sound like you really want this to work but are afraid you might push too hard. It's ok to take a deep breath and just sit down and talk about things. It's not violating any protocol to ask for that.

A new BDSM relationship can be exhilarating. So much so that I think people sometimes forget they're still the same people. The fact that the two of you have moved from a vanilla relationship to a power exchange relationship shouldn't have changed your ability to communicate with each other. If your communication was good before, it needs to be as good, or better, now. If you haven't had a good long talk about how you see your roles, if you haven't worked on the rules, if you aren't clear about your expectations of each other, you must do that soon. Having to guess or working on assumptions isn't fair to either of you.

As you've realized, it's a concern that you're misbehaving for attention. Since your master hasn't sat you down to talk about this, you need to tell him what you're feeling and ask for his help. I see so many people who expect to be "punished" into good behavior when the productive thing for the dom to do is find out the reason for the bad behavior and correct that. In your case, you're way ahead, because you already know both the problem and the remedy.

I can appreciate that you don't want your master to think you don't trust him. Please remember, though, that, while he's responsible for your safety, he has to have the tools he needs to keep you safe. At this point, that means basic information. If he doesn't want to learn with you, you might want to re-think surrendering to him.

My guess is that he's feeling just as adrift as you are, though, and would welcome your input. You need to be honest with him. Tell him in a matter of fact way that you have some concerns you want to discuss, then be totally honest with him - about feeling a lack of attention, about the things you love. You're not telling him what to do, you're being transparent about yourself. I don't know a capable dominant who would refuse that knowledge. So, if you trust him, show him by telling him you need to talk.

Share the information you've found and offer the information you've found for him. The best way for the two of you to forge a successful BDSM relationship is to build it together. You're not topping from the bottom when you express a problem or offer to share something helpful. You're offering to be a partner in building something that's important to you both.

Best of luck to you. If you'd like me to see if I can help with other questions, please send some along.

Mistress Violette