AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Question I'm a girl and there is this guy and he said that the only way that he will sub for me is if I can train him. But the thing is, is that i don't know how to. Can you tell me please or teach me or something?
Answer Hello, Courtney,
I need to add a follow up to my previous answer. Please understand, this is purely personal opinion. I wouldn't attempt to teach someone to obey. I would expect that anyone who identifies as a slave or submissive would come to me with the desire to obey. He would want to determine my competence and trustworthiness, of course, but he wouldn't expect to be forced to submit. What I do is make my expectations clear, so that he knows what I want him to do. I hope this is what this man wants from you. After you've checked out some of the resources I mentioned, I not only think you'll be able to this, I think you'll have fun doing it!
Mistress Violette
Original answer:
Since you seem to want this man to sub to you, I'm going to figure you're interested in BDSM yourself, not doing it because it's his interest. That will make it much easier for you, because you'll be exploring something that's appealing to you. And explore the topic is what you're going to need to do.
The concept of "training" isn't a basic premise of BDSM. The ideal is for an individual to read and talk and learn in order to discover what's fulfilling for him or her. After that, the goal would be to meet people and have experiences with compatible partners. It's only been since BDSM became widely accessible to people via the internet and pro doms that we hear about "training." So I'm going to suggest you not focus on how to provide training. Instead, learn about BDSM and find the parts of it that are attractive to you. Then share them with this man as his training.
I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Lorelei
Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.
The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."
And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.
The first is some tips and ideas from two very experienced players, Lady Green and Jay Wiseman. The second has an introduction to BDSM, a list of additional resources and some ideas for play.
Be honest with this man. If you don't have much experience, he needs to know that. I suspect he doesn't have a lot, either, so you'll both need to go slowly, trying things out. You don't have to be perfect, just safe. Do a lot of talking and encourage him to give you input about how things are working for him. You can't read his mind and he has as much responsibility for communicating with you as you do with him. It's possible he's not totally aware of that, so it might be that your first step in "training" him is to emphasize the need for communication.
There's lots to learn and to think about but it's going to be a trip down a fun and rewarding road. Good luck and enjoy your journey!
