Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/8/2007

Question
I have been married happily for 5 years and have two children. we are a very happy family. My problem is that I have been interested in BDSM since puberty and have experimented with Dommes in the past. My wife knows that i have a kinky side,  but does not understand the degree. I need BDSM and fetish in my life just as a gay man needs to be with another man. My wife has expressed that d/s is not her. I don't think she really has a good understanding of d/s, she also does not realize that I want to be her submissive. I am scared to death to approach her about it, I'm scared that i might lose my family and that she will think I am a sick weirdo.

Please help Me

Answer
Hello, Mike,

Just so you know, you're not alone. This happens to many people and in all types of relationships. And you, like many people, are going to have to make some important decisions. As you said, your wife may not know much about BDSM. If so, it can be very scary, even if she's interested. So there's the possibility that your wife would be more agreeable to BDSM if she knew more about it. But, it's also possible she wouldn't be and you really have to think about that.

The important thing to understand is that you want BDSM, you don't actually need it. It's something that would make your life better, perhaps, but you won't die without it. Lots of people make the decision to do without something, whether it's a particular type of sex or a risky hobby or a career move, for the sake of an established relationship or family. You need to take a good, hard look at your situation in case you're one of them. I tell you this because, sometimes, a person's desire to follow a certain path seems more urgent than it really is. So you need to decide how much risk there really is in approaching your wife about BDSM. Then you need to decide if it's worth the risk.

You know your wife better than I do, of course, but she loves you and, if she's usually a reasonable person, you might decide to  sound her out a little about BDSM, just in general. You've already told her a little bit; perhaps you can tell her a little bit more. If so, be sure to approach it positively, even playfully if that would make her more comfortable. If you get the sense that she's open to listening, here are some thoughts.

I'm going to guess your wife knows what's found in popular media, rather than about the variety of ways BDSM is practiced in real life. You might try explaining BDSM to her as your desire for control, not a need to do incredibly freaky things. She might be more amenable if she understood it doesn't have to be all leather and whips and that she can get into it at her own pace. You might offer to demonstrate what submissives do by serving her in a way that's useful to her. You can take on some chores, do some extra work around the house, run errands for her. You'd be selling BDSM by showing how it can benefit her. When she was comfortable at that level, you could offer to show her more. Just remember, you're asking for a big favor here. Show you recognize and acknowledge that by putting her first. It may seem to you that it's all about you but, I assure you, your wife knows that's not the case.

I hope this helps you get going in the right direction. If I can help further, please feel free to ask me another question.

Mistress Violette