Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/8/2007

Question
I AM IN A VANILLA RELATIONSHIP WITH A SUB MAN AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW I COULD SHOW HIM HOW TO ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT THE CONTROL AND HOW DO I GO ABOUT ADDING SOME DOME ASPECTS TOO IT THANK YOU

Answer
Hi, Leigh,

Thanks for clarifying. I think I have a little better idea now what you're looking for. I'm going to recommend several of books at the end of this answer, but first, some background and some thoughts.

Different people approach BDSM in different ways. Some people have a deep desire to surrender control to another. They want to give up as much control as possible, as completely as possible. On the other end of the spectrum are people who want to give up a small amount of control for a limited time. And there are all sorts of gradations in between. For power exchange to work well in a relationship, both partners have to have similar desires about the degree of control. Right now, my sense is your interest in power exchange isn't as great as his. That doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Your interest could become greater or he could be willing to accept less for the sake of maintaining the relationship. I'm mentioning this so you can be aware that your goals might require modification as your learn more about BDSM and about how it works for your boyfriend.

It isn't a question of showing him how to "enjoy" a vanilla relationship, really. He probably already enjoys the time he spends with you, the things you do together, the feelings he has for you. It's just that there's a little something missing from an otherwise happy relationship. I think you're being wonderful in wanting to provide that to him.

I suggest you let your boyfriend guide you, since he's already been in several BDSM relationships. You can do your research, then sit down with him to help you flesh it out. There's nothing wrong with a dominant learning from a submissive. They're often our best teachers.

Talk with your boyfriend about things he experienced previously. Find out how he related to them and what his goals are as a submissive. Listen carefully, because he'll also probably tell you some things about his previous doms that might be helpful to you. This doesn't mean that you have to copy them, just that you might get some ideas of what did, and didn't, work well with him. You can incorporate only the ones that are comfortable for you.

The two of you also need to be clear about your expectations. It won't work if he's thinking 24/7 control and you're only planning to provide control in the bedroom. I suggest you start slowly and small and then work up as you see how things work out. No matter what the extent of the BDSM piece of your relationship, communication is vital. You'll start with discussion and negotiation. You can expect it to need to happen again and again as the relationship grows and develops.

Now for the book recommendations. I have three for you. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

You could even use one of the books as a starting point for the discussion with your boyfriend. Have your chat, get comfortable with the idea of being in control, and then have some fun. You might make some fabulous discoveries together!

Mistress Violette