Expert: Jan Hayner - 3/3/2008

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and living together for over 1 1/2.  He has a 5 year old daughter who I love as my own.  

The problem I've been having is trying to balance my wants with the needs of a new family life.

Before we met I lived in a large city, had a good paying job, was working towards my education in arts degree, could come and go as a please.  I also lived near my entire family and friends.  When we met I fell head over heels for him and moved to a much smaller city 3 hours away from everyone I ever knew.

Now trying to balance out my own personal goals of school, career, health, self improvment with the roles of wife and mother is overwelming.  If I sit down and list everything on a peice of paper it is ovious I cannot do it all.  What do I give up?

If I stop working it will leave us living pay check to pay check, (but managable).

If I stop going to school I'll be left to work fast food and small office jobs that don't pay much.

I'm overweight and was dieting and exercising before I moved, and since then have stopped.  Now I don't have time or patience to do either and I can feel myself getting more unhealthy.  Between work, school, childcare, and sleep I don't seem to have time to exercise let alone eat healthy.

I love my fiances daughter to peices, and after we are married I am going to adopt her.  Though because I'm the only real "mother" figure she has, she follows me everywhere.  Even when her dad is in the house she will come to me first.  I feel smothered; I went from not being around children to having her need my attention 24/7.  I can't seem to catch a break and it causes me to fall behind in my school work, as well as makes me stressed.  Sometimes a girl just needs time to herself.

I’m studing to be an art teacher for high school or higher, and I’m starting to doubt myself for it.  I don’t have the time anymore to practice like I used to.  No time alone, and if I do it while our child is still awake I don’t get anything done.  How can I teach something I’m no good at?

My boyfriend works 12 hour days, and often OT so that leaves me with her for the rest of the time.  We can't afford anymore babysitting bills than we have, but I'm worried I wasn't ready to become a full time mother, let alone a single one. (which is what it feels like with him gone all the time).  I play with her, feed her, help her with homework etc.

The worst of all this, we don't live by any family.  I grew up with a very close family that included all my aunts, cousins, grandparents you name it.  I know if I lived by them I could get some help because thats how my family is, but we live 3 hours away.  If we see them, its only every few months at best, and I miss them terribly.

So we are left to defend for ourselves.  The easy answer to me…would be move.  His job is well paying and has much room for advancement, especially considering his has no Diploma or GED.  He works for a mine though, so it requires he live here.


So on the average weekday I :

Wake up, get her ready for school (boyfriends already at work).  Take her to school, go to my work, work till 3pm.  Pick her up, take her to Karate or dance, feed her dinner, help her with homework, take her to the babysitters at 5pm, go to school from 5-10pm.  Come home, do homework, go to bed.

Weekends:
Homework, Catch up on cleaning that wasn't done ALL week.  Take her to karate and dance, help her practice, help her with homework.  And them mostly running around chasing a 5 year old, and getting interrupted until her dad gets home at 6pm.

So what do I do?  How do I balance it all?  What is more important, and what’s not?  If we get married is it just going to get worse?

Sorry for the long question, but I felt I needed to explain everything to really get the advice I need.  Thanks!


Answer
Hi Christina;
There is no need to apologize for the lengthy letter, I am very glad that you wrote it. It gives me a great insight as to what your life is like and why. It also helps me to come up with some shortcuts that you can use to make things easier for you to deal with. This is a big help to me when I have  ALL of the information, so thank you for taking the time to write a complete question and info.

First of all, you sound like an awesome person to be willing to become a mom to this little girl and it sounds like you are loved a lot. Be proud of yourself, believe it or not, there are a lot of woman that wouldn't do this and be so open. She is a lucky little girl and her daddy is lucky to have found someone like you (but I think he knows that).

Second, your problems are the same as every other mom in this world, no time, no space, no easy way to achieve your own goals and frustration of how to get it all. BUT, there is hope!

I am going to give you some ideas for you and her, since your boyfriend works such crazy hours, this way you can make a schedule for the two of you in order to make things easier. If you get the plus of Dad being home and helping, all the better!

1. She is 5 years old which means that she is still in the 'willing to please' stage which is great. You and her, can do things on the buddy plan; cleaning (you both tackle something together), homework (when she is working on hers, you work on yours or practice your art work), exercising (go bike riding, throw a ball around, go for a walk) and girl time (when the two of you do the 'mom and daughter' things).

One of the reasons that she hangs on you, is partly her age but it is also because she loves you and wants to be with you. She will copy from you and learn from you faster than from anyone else, so you have a little carbon copy running around. If you tick to homework, so will she, if you clean and want things pretty, so will she, get the idea. She 'loves' you! She wants to be just like you. There really isn't any higher compliment in this world that the one a child can give you. So, from the sound of it your doing a great job.

In reality, she doesn't see you a lot. This is another reason she hangs on you. She sees you from the time she gets up until school, from 3-5 (not even because she has dance or karate and on the ride home from the babysitter. So, it may be a total of 2-2 1/2 hours a day and that is used up by having to do other things, not individual attention. So, she is fighting for your time.
I am also wondering why she is going to a babysitters at night. If dad is gone when she gets up and works a 12 hour day, is it necessary for her to go to a sitter? Is it possible for someone to come in (a girls scout, neighborhood girl, a grandma in the neighborhood). Dad could be in charge of the homework part too, it could be part of their bonding time, or possibly the babysitter may be of help here too.

1.Do you homework when she does hers or at least practice during this time.
2. Throw a load of wash in the washer when you get home and throw it in the dryer when you are finished eating, fold it when you get home
3. Is the karate and dancing necessary? Would the two of you benefit from going to a mother daughter exercise group together instead?
4. Can another parent babysit for her or you can exchange services (no expense).
5. Look at your schooling as a small part of your life that may be upsetting it now, but a year from now or from now until summer, you can deal with. Especially when you see the benefits to how it will change the rest of your life.
6. Do small cleaning things as you go through the daily routines, it will save on cleaning on the weekend. Use glass wipes and lysol wipes to take 5 minutes to wipe down the bathroom or kitchen. It doesn't take long, is disinfected and always sparkling. A vacuuming of the carpets and with your laundry tips, it will save you a ton of time.
7. Saturday mornings are cleaning time, she can help, get her a small basket with a child size broom, dustpan, cloth etc. She can take care of cobwebs around the floor, throwing the garbage away, cleaning room size garbage cans, wiping knic knacs, throwing the dirty clothes in the wash, putting dirty dishes in the sink, picking up toys, fluffing pillows etc.
8. Saturday afternoon can be the time to sign her up for something and to give you some along time. You can use this for things you need to catch up on, studying, or a hot bath full of bubbles. Then, there is still plenty of time left in the day to go grocery shopping etc. Maybe even a trip to McDonalds!
9. Set up play dates, for her with her school friends or neighborhood friends on the weekend too. True, there will be a mess, but contain it to her room. It will give them something to do, give you some space to do with what you need to and will give you some relief. It will take some of that clinging away too! A hot dog party is fun too and will help you out a little.
10. You can also see if babysitting is available through your school. A lot of them have now incorporated it and they can also help her in the homework department. If there is a section that has teaching in childcare, they may also have people willing to come to your home to babysit.

I know it is hard, not having family close by, it sure makes life easier, but maybe once she gets to know them better, they would be willing to have her come for a overnight once in a while. It would give them time to bond without you and your boyfriend there (grandmas are great for this and so are aunts), and it would give you some open time too! Maybe you could meet them half way to transfer her from one place to the next.

Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing an excellent job. Try some of these shortcuts and see if they help. There are also more of them at my website (check my profile) under parent tips and organizing for kids check out the cleaning pages as well for some really great shortcuts that I know will help you.

Good Luck, Best Wishes
Jan Hayner