Expert: Jan Hayner - 5/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have 3 kids.My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and been living together for about 6 months.My children and him get along pretty good but I have a hard time getting my kids to listen when I ask them to do something.Ex.I tell them to go to bed they get in the bed fine but find 10 reason to get up even after I have corrected them and told them go back to bed and don't get up again or I tell them to clean their rooms and I have to say it at least 7 to 8 times before it gets done.They are constantly fighting with each other or arguing about somthing.Just trying to play with them outside is a battle.Now they didn't just start this so I know it's not because I have a boyfriend.My kids attitudes is starting to cause a little issue between my boyfriend and myself.He loves my kids as if they were his own and he has 3 kids as well.He tries to be supportive and back me up by saying to them you guys need to do what your mom told ya'll,but sometimes it makes it worse.How can I make my children listen and balance out time for them and my boyfriend.

ANSWER: Hi carlene;
Welcome to the world of mommy's with kids getting older! Ugh! Isn't it terrible? They are normal, healthy kids, trying to find out just how much they can get away with.

ALL KIDS are like this and the trouble is, that they go through it so many times at different phases of their little lives. That's why some mom's are ready to pull there hair out by lunch time.

What can you do? Simple YOU are the Mom....end of discussion!

You tell them to do something, they try to get away without doing it, your boyfriend tries to back you up, the kids are worse than ever. By your boyfriend trying to help, it has just told the kids that 'we are getting to mom she had to get extra help'.

So you need to go in the room, say in a quiet voice and look them straight in the eye,"No more chances, I tried to be nice and you don't want me to be, so therefore the ice cream that I was going to give you for a treat is now going to be given to a neighbor so they can enjoy themselves. Next, I start giving away your toys." Then, simply turn around and walk away!

This way, they can't see or hear you lose your temper (so they aren't sure if they upset you a little or a lot), they don't know if there was really ice cream that they aren't getting or not, now they might lose their precious possessions. If you are pushed to taking away toys, remove them from sight and when they aren't looking, have a box in the attic to hide these toys for a while.

When they push it again, simply give the one that started it a rag and bucket of water and have them wash the floor by hand. HINT: this is one of the jobs kids hate the most. You will soon either have kids that listen very well or the cleanest floors in town!

Good luck mom, the rest of us feel sorry for you, we have all been there,
Jan Hayner

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to help me.I think your ideas sound good and I am going to try them out.I know my kids and my question now is when I go to them and say I'm giving the treat away and they fall out in the floor mostly just the youngest would do this what happens next?Should I then go ahead and load her toys up and hide them.She's the whinny one of the bunch.

Answer
Hi carlene;
It will be a little more stressful, but only until the kids figure out that 'Mom really means what she says'. The littlest one will act out the longest, it is natural. She is the baby and is used to getting extra attention and a few extra pluses along the way.So she thinks if she whines long enough you will get tired of hearing it and give in. BUT, stick to your guns!!

You answer should always be, "Yes, well I feel bad about it too. You knew what was going to happen and you still didn't listen. I thought I had such a good girl/boy, but YOU decided you didn't want to listen to the rules." Always make sure that they are the ones that have made the decision to break the rule, you set the rule and they didn't do what they should have.

I know it is hard, but just remember, you are helping them a lot. In school they will have to learn rules or get a detention, at work there are rules or they get fired...it is life and you are setting the skills that they will need all through life.

Believe it or not, it only takes about a week with most kids, but that week is pure torture for the mom! You will however, have made a big difference in there lives at the end.

Just imagine it.....you say something for them to do, they do it and don't talk back and other people comment on what well behaved and obedient kids you have...........Now, that's living stress-free!

I am glad that I helped i some way, once you see the changes in your kids, you will come up with other ideas all on your own.
Good Luck
Jan Hayner