Expert: Jeni Hooper - 5/8/2008

Question
I am a mother of three beautiful little girls ages 7,9,and 10.I have a boyfriend but still I am a single mother in other words we don't live together.Their father is not involved in any way.I am the sole provider the mom,the dad,cook,etc...When I get off we have homework I have to make dinner get baths and get to bed only to start all over again.I do have a job where I am off on the weekends but it seems like most weekends is spent trying to get the house back in order.My kids are always saying I never play with them enough.I really want to but after getting all the chores done I'm wore out.They help but most of the time a fight breaks out between them or I get a lot of attitude about having to do it so that just makes it more stressful.People keep telling me I also need to make time for myself ahhhh how can I get everything in order and find time for myself help please...

Answer
Hi Leslie,

First of all I am impressed by how much you do achieve and with so little help and support. You could make a list of all that does go well in your life, otherwise we end up with more and more on the "to do" list and no sense of completion. I find it lifts the spirits to focus on the positives when life is so busy.  

I wonder how you can gradually get your girls to be more involved at home? The home is for all 4 of you, so finding ways for them to get involved that fits each daughter's age and capabilities is the challenge.

It always helps to have an incentive. Perhaps you could plan the fun parts of the weekend together first, and then the 4 of you can work out how to get stuff done, then you are free to get going. When you have chosen something together it will give everybody the incentive to get those chores out of the way.

Maybe some tasks could be done in small steps during the week too, so that less is left on the weekend list. If all 3 girls do 10 minutes each of jobs after school that is 2.5 hours less for you on the weekend.

Either get your daughters to choose their jobs from a list or rotate them if there isn't any enthusiasm to keep a job as their own.

Don't worry if they aren't as quick or as capable as you. They will improve and you can gently up your standards as the weeks go by.

You might also want to try this exercise to help you explore what is important to you. Write yourself a letter, as if it is this time next year, and life is exactly how you want it. Describe in detail what life is like and what you did to get there. You will be surprised how creative and capable you are in planning the life that you really want.

For more ideas, information and a free newsletter visit www.happy2learn.co.uk

Jeni Hooper is a Coaching Psychologist based in Winchester, England