Expert: Jeni Hooper - 7/29/2008

Question
Jeni
My husband, 45, has held a seasonal job in horticulture (spring-fall for seven months) for the last 15 years.
The pay is OK and he has benefits,and he seems to like the work and his co workers.
My concern is that he is content to stay home all winter, and collect unemployment benefits.
I think he should be thinking about the future especially retirement-this job has no pension.
I feel he is milking the system by collecting unemployment benefits yeaer after year,and with me the only one working full time, winters are fairly lean but we get by although we carry a large debt.
Also I am concerned about the example he is setting for our two teenage children.He does a little housework,but mostly sleeps in,reads the paper, and I suspect he goes to porn sites.
I try not to nag but when I bring it up he says he is too old to switch careeers and no one would hire him in another field.
He gets a little part time work which doesnt amout to much.A full time job would get us out of debt and buy things we need,and a pension would give more future security.
Any opinions?


Answer

Many of us begin to re evaluate our lives as we get older and  wonder whether our lives could be better. Your husband sounds content with his own choices but clearly you feel this is at the expense of others including the benefits system and yourself. Your children too are affected. So how can you get this out into the open without feeling you are nagging?

It may be time for this to be discussed properly. There are several places you could start but the practical one seems to be examining your finances and finding a way of life where your family is solvent and self sufficient. The world economic downturn is putting prices up and family bills are growing. Why not use this as a good way to get the topic aired. You could suggest you both set aside a couple of hours to plan a budget to reduce debt and see what other sources of income you can find.

Do some homework first. Get some idea about household costs and ways you could save by cutting down on things. Then when you talk the conversation stays practical and you can share your ideas and ask him for his thoughts. Maybe your children could come up with ways they can both contribute and make savings. The earlier kids start to think about money management the better. You might want to be clear for yourself how much money you bring in across the year and how much comes from your partner. If he sees this in writing it may be easier to explore what he could do over the winter to keep money coming in.

Whatever you decide to do, you must take action otherwise the situation will continue to fester and undermine your mutual trust. A good marriage relys on trust and communication to help and support each other. We also need shared values on the important things that matter to us or saintly tolerance to accept the differences. I think the last one is unrealistic and most happy couples stay that way by working to resolve their differences.

Lastly as this may not be easy perhaps you could get some support. Either from organizations that advise on a managing debt or from just talking in confidence to someone you trust not to judge you or break your confidence. Whatever you decide, good luck.