Expert: Jeni Hooper - 5/30/2010

Question
Hi Jeni,
I am Mohamed from India, I am 24 now and I started working in a software firm and I am away from home.
Since my childhood I was brought in my own home town and I was there until my Graduation.
Now when I leave to work away from home it looks very hard for me to cope up with.
For this reason I resigned my first job and then realised my fault and now I got one more job.
But this time also I feel same homesickness and I cant live without my beloved mom, dad,brothers and my nice home.
Other people tell that I am the only person who is coward enough to feel this pain of seperation.
some times wen I come for weekend i feel very hard to start again to work and leave my home here.
So please suggest me a suitable solution so that I can concentrate on my work efficiently even if I am away from home.

Regards,
Mohamed

Answer
Hello Mohamed,

Firstly can I say that homesickness is both normal and healthy and is not cowardly at all. Because this is such an important question for many young people all over the world I would like to share my answer with the allexperts community. Homesickness is the way we describe missing our loved ones and all that has become important to us. This shows you have the capacity to love and be loved and that you value that connection with people. You also have a strong sense of belonging to your wider community where you grew up. This is a strength and the solution will come from both keeping those connections alive and patiently and slowly building new ones.

Before I explore that further, congratulations on gaining your qualifications and your job and in realising what you were unhappy with when you started working. This self awareness is also a strength. If you would like to find out more about your personal strengths later, do visit www.authentichappiness.org and complete the VIA test - Values in Action- which will identify you top 5 personal strengths which are your signature way of contributing to the world. This is a well regarded test developed by Martin Seligman a world authority on positive psychology and emotional wellbeing. I think you will find this useful as I sense you are someone capable and with an ambition to give back to the world.

Your homesickness currently is very high, because you have not yet had time to settle into your new life. I recommend that you think of 2 or 3 small things you could do each day to build connections with people in your new situation, this will gradually add up. It does take time to get to know new people and for them to know you too, so do be patient. Being pleasant to people you see regularly and finding out about what others like will give you something to talk about. Tell them a little about yourself but not too much, taking short turns in conversation shows you are not self centered. Remember our facial expression and posture also show whether we are showing respect to others. Even if you feel very shy about starting a conversation, your physical expression and polite or kind behaviour makes a big difference. You do not need to be a confident extrovert to be well liked and respected. Do what is right for you and true to your character and upbringing.

At the same time, keep your links with home alive both in your mind and at a practical level by making regular contact. Tell your family about what is going well, even if those triumphs feel very small. They are proud of you and want you to do well. Also by rehearsing the positives in your mind beforehand, and when talking to them, will make you feel happier. There is a saying that "you get more of what you think about" and it is also true in the positive actions you take too.

This is not a miracle cure for homesickness. It will not change everything in 48 hours but I know you can work hard and be patient. The fact that you have gained your qualification and your job shows this quality is strong in you. Take time to imagine this new life that you want and take small steps towards it. Don't be put off if each step doesn't get big results, remember that when you studied you had to make lots of small adaptations according to your progress. Good Luck and enjoy your new life.

Jeni Hooper
Happy2Learn