Expert: Levya Braman - 7/1/2010

Question
I'm currently 20 years old and on the verge of getting my GED but my mom is elderly and I want to be there to help her out and become a home attendent for her cause she doesn't want sum1else there so my question is who do I go to or how do I go about situateing my life plus being able to help my mom and be there for her at the same time  without haveing to go too far from her. Normally I wanted to finish highschool qnd etc but my mom have become more sickly and I need to be there for her so how can I make this all work to where I can be there to help her because there is no1 else and at the same time prosper in my life with school and etc.? Pleasei need help.

Answer
Hi Amanda -
I can tell that you love your mom very much and want to be there for her. That is very honorable and kind of you. You've taken a great step by asking for help.

I'd like to share a little about caregiving. A common problem caregivers experience(you are the caregiver here)is that they give too much of themselves for their loved one. When you believe that you have to give all and leave nothing for your own well-being, you are at risk for getting burned-out, fatigued, having your own health suffer, and resenting your parent because you have no life of your own.

Often the people we are caring for don't realize how many expectations that are putting on us. Your mom may ask you to be with her 24/7. I know you want to be 'a good daughter to her' but that doesn't mean you have to jump every time she asks. It isn't easy, but learning to set boundaries for yourself will be very important if you want to stay healthy emotionally and physically.

Here are some thoughts you may want to consider:

1. Have you tried getting medical help for your mom from the State? Sometimes there are programs where your mom can get care from someone else during the day that would give you some time away yet still provide her with great care.

2. There may be others that can help with her care. Maybe another relative can share the burden on a regular basis? Maybe there are neighbors or people from a church that are willing to help, giving you a break. If you wait for others to volunteer or step-up, you'll be waiting forever; you will have to ask them to help.

3. Maybe you could put your mom in a facility that can take care of her medical needs. That way when you are with her, you can really be there emotionally for her. Anyone can perform the nursing tasks, but only you can be her daughter and give her the love she needs.

The key for you will be to allow these people to share your load. Sometimes our pride gets in the way. Maybe your mom prefers you be there and it means you have to let her complain about them. It's not up to your mom to help you find time for your life - it's up to you. You will have some tough choices ahead of you.

I also suggest that you seek out a caregiver support group in your area. Sometimes these are run by medical facilities, normally are free, and meet maybe once/month. By going you'll have a chance to get support from people in situations similar to yours; everyone there is a caregiver. You can vent, get ideas for resources, and talk to others who understand what you're going through.

Especially because of your age, I would highly recommend that you get your GED. Without it you will have problems getting most any kind of job and be unable to take care of yourself financially. Who knows, maybe you'll want to pursue something in the medical field (CNA,imaging, med records...) A lot of people go into medical careers because they've experienced the pain of having sick loved ones.

I hope this helps. I have been in a situation similar to yours and know that trying to find a way to balance having your own life while caring for another isn't easy. Just remember that you are important too. It's not wrong to take time away from helping your mom to have your own life, actually it's the healthy thing to do.