Expert: Levya Braman - 1/24/2011

Question
I am 23 year old Indian girl. Being Indian, in our society, it is only accepted that children, especially girls, live with parents until they get married. However I got rebellious and moved out to another city for studies. For two reasons- staying with my parents constrained my social freedom and also the city where my parents live didn't have the opportunities I am looking for. I am a student and hence sponsored by my parents and i will be living this way till I graduate and get a job as my course load is too tough to balance any kind of job with it.

I have completed my classes and I have to just prepare for my exams which can even be done from home but I hate to go back to my home place so I am still living here and preparing for my exams from here.

I feel uncomfortable this way, living away from them, at their sponsorship, without a particular job/class to attend to, and most of all, with them being unhappy that I am not living with them. I cannot move back to my home town as it exasperates me. It doesn't offer me opportunities both professionally and socially. Life in my home town will be with my parents 24*7 , whom i am attached to but I can't share everything with them. It's like a state of cognitive dissonance with all these conflicting ideas in my head all the time and I feel like I am going mad and I need medical help.

Answer
Hi Dhanya -
I understand that you feel conflicted. It sounds like you want to be true to who you are but don't feel you can do that while living with your parents. You are not alone in feeling this way, many people your age share these feelings.

From your description, it sounds like if you could support yourself financially, you wouldn't feel as obligated living in a different town than they do. If this is true, then I would ask, "What steps you need to take so you can afford to live on your own or with others your age?"

It seems like the first step would be to graduate; that means getting your exams completed. You may want to consider giving yourself a deadline, choose a date by which you will have all of your exams completed. Depending on what you want to share with your parents, if you tell them that you will be less distracted/study better where you are and if they see that you are serious graduating(having a date set) to be done, they may agree to continue supporting you.

It will be important, both for your own personal integrity and to show your parents, that you do what's necessary and take sole responsibility for graduating and seeking employment. No one can do these steps for you.

I can  tell you that by taking these steps, you will gain respect for yourself and also learn some valuable skills that will help you in the working world (e.g. - time management, discipline, following through, ...).

I think that you are wanting the freedom of an adult. Realize that with freedom also comes responsibility. It sounds like you are ready for both!

I wish you the best,

Levya Braman
www.WatersEdgeLifeCoaching.com