Expert: Jan Hayner - 1/24/2011

Question
I am 23 year old Indian girl. Being Indian, in our society, it is only accepted that children, especially girls, live with parents until they get married. However I got rebellious and moved out to another city for studies. For two reasons- staying with my parents constrained my social freedom and also the city where my parents live didn't have the opportunities I am looking for. I am a student and hence sponsored by my parents and i will be living this way till I graduate and get a job as my course load is too tough to balance any kind of job with it.

I have completed my classes and I have to just prepare for my exams which can even be done from home but I hate to go back to my home place so I am still living here and preparing for my exams from here.

I feel uncomfortable this way, living away from them, at their sponsorship, without a particular job/class to attend to, and most of all, with them being unhappy that I am not living with them. I cannot move back to my home town as it exasperates me. It doesn't offer me opportunities both professionally and socially. Life in my home town will be with my parents 24*7 , whom i am attached to but I can't share everything with them. It's like a state of cognitive dissonance with all these conflicting ideas in my head all the time and I feel like I am going mad and I need medical help.

Answer
Hi dhanya;
I think I understand the way that you feel, but let me give you a few insights that I can see that you may be missing.

We all have family heritage that we have to deal with, no matter if you are Indian, German, Hmong, French or whatever. This is an age where the younger generation wants more freedoms and less constrictions. Which is understandable. However, by taking some of the things away from our heritage, we are untrue to our ancestors. The ones that help to make our people what they are-a proud people.

So, how can you be true to yourself and your family as well? Look at the things that you know that you can do and do them well. The things that you can no longer tolerate, do periodically for the sake of your ancestors.

Such as: I have a friend that is Hmong. They are a younger family , she a school teacher and he a factory worker and they have children. However, they came to America to be Americans. Mom and Dad came to America to be free-there is a difference. Mom and Dad follow all of the customs, however, the younger generation follows some, but not all.

How do they make this work? The family that is from their generation stays at their house when they come to visit, so they can have the 'brat fry's, watch certain TV shows etc. Then, they go to Mom and Dads during the day to join in the customs of their country. It isn't going to kill them to be respectful and polite once in a while.

True, you would have to live in your parents home and abide by the customs 24/7 which makes this a lot harder. However, you can get a job #or maybe two# in order to get out of the house. You can don't your time-at hospitals and schools, to better someone elses life. You can help the younger generation by being tolerant and passing that on. The only bad thing about this custom is that it may force the younger ones to get married-just to get out of the house.
You say that you are at school studying for finals and feel guilty. Don't feel guilty, if you went home, you wouldn't be concentrating at a high level and thus you wouldn't be learning to your capacity. You need to be the best that you can be and that takes concentration. Therefore, staying there is what you need to do.

When you do get a job, you will be earning money and can pay back the sponsorship to your parents. If they refuse to take the money, you can purchase things that they may need to make their lives a little more pleasant. AND the best payback is to be there when they need you when as they are getting older. It doesn't have to be that you are there in body, but in spirit, moral judgement and monetarily.

You need to find a friend or relative that is older than you and part of the 'new' generation, that you can talk to and let your feelings out to without feeling guilty for your thoughts. They have gone through it and know others that have to and can help to guide you on your journey to the next part of your life. You can pick out the parts of heritage that you can deal with and figure out how to cope with the parts that you don't.

I know that this isn't a fool proof answer that you were looking for, but I hope it helps to get rid of some of your guilt and gives you an idea of how to cope with life. After you exams, you may want to get a job #in the place where you are now# that will help you excel in your career. This will keep you there and also give your parents something to be proud of without feeling like you have left them. Take pictures and send them home, let them know what you are doing and how proud you are of what they have done for you and that you will put it to good use. This may give you the best of both worlds.

Good luck, best wishes and do it all 'guilt' free,
Jan Hayner