Expert: Dr Don Howe - 10/20/2008

Question
Hello
  My Christian son, born again, raised in Sunday School and worship, still worshipping has a Jewish girlfriend.  They are getting quite serious and are talking about marriage.  I gave my son the talk about being unequally yoked and the differences between what Jews believe and what Christians believe.  She goes to worship with him and he goes to the synagogue with her.  She told me she doesn't see the difference between their faith but if they get married not to have Jesus mentioned in the ceremony because it would upset her parents.
    If I press it too hard with my son he will cut us off but they are so in love they don't see what they are getting into.  Can you offer any suggestions what we can do?

Answer
  Don, thank you for your questions. You did not say what faith you are or what your son was raised up in, but I will assume it is in the Baptist tradition. Trying to compare Southern Baptist to Traditional Jews is like comparing oranges and bananas. It would be safe to say that your son’s girlfriend is raised in the traditional Jewish family and not Messianic Jewish tradition, since the girlfriend does not want the name Jesus mentioned in the ceremony.
    Don the first thing you and your wife need to do is fervently pray for your son and his girlfriend and ask for God’s direction in this. If God is not in this, then it “ain’t gonna happen” the way he would wants it to happen. I going show you what the meaning of unequally yoked meant in Jesus time, how yoke was used with beast of burden,  and how Apostle Paul applied it to the Corinthian Church.  
   Don, your son and girlfriend are truly unequally yoked. I would like to build on the being what “yoked” really means and show what Jesus and Paul are talking about.  Jesus tells us about His yoke in Matthew 11:28-30 states “Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke [is] easy, and my burden is light.” Verse 29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me” is symbolic, and then I will build upon it. In the life and times of Christ, He was a carpenter. In those days the chief product of these craftsmen was not building homes but rather fitting and making yokes for the oxen.
   Yokes were made of so the owner could steer the beast, but this yoke was also made so the animal could work longer and more efficiently by tiring less under his heavy burden. This mechanism was made of heavy wood, not padded as they are today. Therefore, they had to be measured and fitted perfectly. When two oxen were pulling a load, the yoke was designed for each animal to carry his share equally. When one animal was forced to do this very heavy work, the yoke equalized the load, allowing the animal to pull more with less effort. But keep in mind that the animals have to be the same as noted in Deut. 22:10 states “Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an donkey together.” In today’s world a husband and wife have to be equally yoked or fitted perfectly together to share the load equally for which the devil is going to bring against them.
    Christ fitted these yokes perfectly for the animals, but in Matthew 11:30 He tells us that He also fits the yoke perfectly for man. Christ knew that if the most empty-headed and stubborn of God’s creations could benefit from a perfectly fitted yoke, then man, who is the most intelligent and gifted of God’s creations, could benefit according to the gifts God has given him. The perfectly fitted yoke that speaks about in these verses is the place that God has provided for each and every human that lives.
    “For my yoke [is] easy, and my burden is light” is very important. In this verse, the word “easy” does not mean requiring little or no sacrifice, but the word in the Greek is chrēstos which means fit or use or well fitting. What does this well fitting mean in the Christian life? Just as the yoke on the oxen had to be fitted well to equal the load, so in the Christian’s life is in every aspect of his life the placement in the Kingdom of God must fit all areas of his life. This also would mean to be equally fitted for your son to be married to someone who believes the same as he does and they equally or well-fitted for each other and to share the load of life together equally. This equally yoked applies to us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And your son being a Southern Baptist is not going to be equally yoked, well-fitted, or perfectly fitted spiritually with a Jewish young lady. They are spiritually on two different pages as far the issue of Jesus Christ is concerned.
    Don, now you can understand what Christ was talking about when He said “my yoke” and being fitted perfectly with Christ in our lives physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Now let us apply this directly to what you told your son “being unequally yoked and the differences between what Jews believe and what Christians believe.” Paul in 2 Cor. 6:14 talked about this being “yoked” or fitting equally (yoke is easy) of believers and unbelievers, which applies to what you told your son. 2 Cor. 6:14 states “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Paul does not pull any punches with the Corinthian church  and says do not be unequally fitted with believers to unbelievers as they are not equally fitted to handle the burdens that life and devil will bring against them. This fits exactly what you told your son. You and your wife need to pray with your son and girlfriend about this “being not fitted together spiritually” and let God be the leader of this decision. Don, I have done an exegesis of these verses so you can get a good handle what the Word of God has to say, and for your own edification.
    Don, you stated “She goes to worship with him and he goes to the synagogue with her. This tells me that your son and his girlfriend are comfortable in attending each others church, and that their differences in the atonement of sin by Christ and the blood of Jesus on cross is not  an issue right now, because they are not married. But each one of them could internally could have a large amount of conflict and feelings, and are tolerant at this time point time of each others belief differences just so they can be together with each other and worship together. But this will be different after they get married and if your son accepts the God Given role of the husband to be the spiritually leader of his home, he may choose “we will worship at my church” (being a Baptist church) and the unequally yoked will come to the forefront and instant conflict.
   Now your son and girlfriend could come to a settlement on common ground and worship at a Messianic synagogue, in which both would have common belief in the blood of Jesus, but your son would have to be comfortable to live and willing to worship in the shadow of the Jewish tradition still i.e. the order of worship, celebrating Jewish holidays and festivals. Because you know that his girlfriend will still be part of her family, and will be celebrating traditional Jewish holidays with both of her parents. Is your son comfortable with this? But your son’s girlfriend is going to put her beliefs and parent’s beliefs above and over his (your sons) beliefs and his parent’s (Don, talking about your beliefs). You can already see this. She has already shown her belief is going to dominant because “if they get married not to have Jesus mentioned in the ceremony because it would upset her parents.” Don’t upset her parents, how about you and how your wife feel and believe? How about how your son feels? That does not matter because it is more important not worry how your son feels or his parents, but “don’t upset her parents” is more important. INSTANT CONFLICT. NOT EQUALLY YOKED. NOT PERFECTLY FITTED TOGETHER.
    AGAIN,  YOUR SON MAY COMPROMISE NOW BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED, BUT I SEE SOME CONFLICT HAPPENING AFTER THEY GET MARRIED. MARRIED LIFE IS DIFFERENT THAN JUST DATING AND BEING INTIMATE AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE.  
    Don, your son and his girlfriend DESPARETLY, DESPERATELY,  DESPARATELY,  need to get some premarital counseling and talk about these differences and work this out before ever doing any wedding plans. There is too much divorce in this world now because differences were never talked about and solutions agreed upon before doing the ceremony. The counselor needs to bring you and your wife and his girlfriend’s parents in and talk about the wedding plans and come to some common ground in the planning and ceremony, and where the engaged couple should worship (church or synagogue) and what tradition (Baptist, Messianic Jewish, or traditional Jewish tradition) they will follow. THIS SO EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE, KNOW WHAT THE COMMON GROUND IS, AND your son and his girlfriend will start their marriage equally yoked and perfect fitted. If your son and his girlfriend refuse to get premarital counseling, then you (Don) as the son’s father have to bring in your son, his girlfriend, her parents and talk about these things, if you can.  
    Don, I next want to talk to you about the seriousness if your son or his girlfriend decision to compromise about the what Jesus did on the cross. Spiritual matters are dealing with life eternal matters and there is no greater issue than this. The Word of God has very strict words about compromising about the Lord Jesus. When we compromise, we are  not confessing completely to men what Jesus did on the cross, we deny the full extent what it meant when Jesus shed his blood on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins, we say LORD, LORD I think I believe in you, but I do not believe everything you did on the cross, nor do we follow the will of God (which has no room for compromise).  
   When we compromise what Jesus did on the cross, we are confessing to men that the Cross is not enough, and I believe I can add to what He did. Mat 10:32 states “Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.” The word confess is exomologeō  in the Greek means to profess that one will do something, acknowledge openly and joyfully, or profess. In other words, when we profess what Jesus did or acknowledge openly and joyfully what he did to other men, then Jesus will profess openly and joyfully to the Father in Heaven about what we confessed in His name. If we compromise and fail to profess openly and joyfully Him (Jesus) to other men what Jesus did on the cross, then Jesus will not profess US to the Father in Heaven.
    When we compromise, we deny to the full extent of the importance of what Jesus did on the cross and the penalty He paid for our sins. Matthew 10:33 states “But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” Deny in the Greek is arneomai which means  not to accept, to reject, to refuse something offered. When we compromise, we are not accepting, we are rejecting, and refusing the Lord to men and he will deny us to the Father in Heaven. Can your son afford to take the chance?
    When we compromise, we may say LORD, LORD in the front of men, we are saying I think I believe in you, but I do not believe everything you did on the cross, and  do not  follow the will of God. Matthew in 7:21 does not mess around on this subject. “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.” So when we compromise what the Lord did on the cross and do not believe in the sufficiency of the finishing work of the cross, we are saying LORD, LORD to the Lord Jesus with our mouth only,  we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But if stop compromising and do the will of the Father, then we shall enter Heaven. If we do the talk of the Lord, we have to do the walk of the Lord. Don, I am trying to show you the seriousness of what is at stake for your son eternally if he compromises in his heart what Jesus did on the cross by the following: not listening to what his father (you) has said about being unequally yoked, if he goes to her synagogue and accepting traditional Jewish teaching just to be with her what will he compromise after they are married, he has not been the spiritual leader thus far and told her what the differences between their faiths are  as she still sees no difference (is this because he has not told of her of the differences), and he has compromised and backed down accepting the ultimatum if “we get married we  not going  to have the name Jesus mentioned in the ceremony because it would upset my parents.” Who cares if it upset her parents, your son needs to state “in my house we will serve the LORD,” and if she can not accept that she is not the right one for him as things stand now.  Sounds like  she wants to wear the pants in the family already. Your son needs to seriously thing about whether this is the right woman for him, sounds like she is not the right one. Only your son can decide this.
 THINGS YOUR SON AND YOU CAN DO:
1.   You and your wife should pray fervently for your son and girlfriend, and pray personally with them in your house about this situation.
2.   They (son and girlfriend) desperately need to find a Christian counselor in your town or in your church and have some premarital counseling and talk about  and work out these issues BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED. The counselor must call you and your wife  and his girlfriend’s parents in to work out the issues of the ceremony so everyone is on the same page and same agreements, if there are any.
3.   Don, sit down with your son’s girlfriend in your son’s presence and talk over the differences. You may have done this with both of them already.
4.   I would suggest that your son and girlfriend try out other churches that may be a Messanic Jewish congregation or nondenominational church while they are still dating and compromise on the name to church, style of worship of the church, BUT NEVER COMPROMISE ON THE DOCTRINES AND TEACHING OF THE WORD OF GOD. NEVER EVER DO THIS.
5.   Tell your son that if he is going to be the spiritual leader of his home as dictated by the Word of God, he has first understand this role (Don this is an awesome role), his girlfriend has got to understand she will have to be his helper when they get married, and at this time they are unequally yoked. I have given you the verses, the meaning of being unequally yoke, and what the term meant in time of Jesus. I also gave you the verses of what Apostle Paul said in 2 Cor. About a believer being unequally yoked with an unbeliever. A traditional Jew is an  UNBELIVER and Judiasm fits the true definition of a false religion (Boy, new age preachers do not like to hear this) if you get right down to it. Why? Because they (traditional Jews) deny the Lord Jesus as Messiah, and what the Bible has to say in the New Testament. The New Testament Church contains both the Christian gentiles (us) and the Christian Jews. This is why her parents do not want the name Jesus brought up in the ceremony, because they deny him as Messiah. Remember what Matthew said “if you deny me before men, I will deny you before the Father.” Man, that is tough, but that is the Word of God says. Jesus did not compromise when he went to cross for your sins and mine, and we can compromise of what he has called for us to do on this earth.
6.   Use these verses to inform his girlfriend;  can she afford to deny what Jesus did on the cross  as he will deny her to the Father in Heaven. Can she take this chance because of her belief of the teaching of the Jewish tradition.
7.   If your son and his girlfriend do work out their differences and compromise on what church to attend but not the Word of God, have your son write a premarital agreement so he and his girlfriend will agree in writing. This way everyone is on the same page upfront.
8.   Everyone needs to remember and trust that God is charge of this thing, and pray to give him the chance to do His work, and listen to His will on this.

Don, there is no reason that your son and his girlfriend should not be able to work out their differences with help of a Christian counselor, and be happy with their choices, but it has to be done out in the open, everyone agrees on them, your son must accept the spiritual leadership role in the home, and they should find a church they both can agree on. Just because they compromise on a different church then what her parents believe, still does not mean they can not accept and love one another. Most and foremost find a Christian Counselor and have your son and girlfriend get some premarital counseling.
   I will be praying for you, your wife, son, his girlfriend, and her parents that God will do His Will in this situation.

Blessing and Always Keep Your Eye Upon the SON.

Dr. Don Howe, RN, PhD, ThD.