Expert: Elder Greg Madden - 5/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Elder,

A few months ago I sent out a question to a number of the experts on All Experts, to see what kind of response I would get and it was varied.

The question I had was this. My girlfriend and I exchanged vows a number of months ago in her living room. We prayed and asked God to be our minister, with our guardian angels as our witnesses. It was not a legal wedding, but I believe that in God's eyes it was valid because we meant it and we are planning a Church wedding soon.  

The responses I received were varied. Some experts told me that yes, it was valid in God's eyes, even though it was not legal. Others told me that I would have to have had witnesses to make it valid, even if it wasn't legal. And others told me that it was completely invalid, even in God's eyes, because it was not legal, and for a marriage to be valid in God's eyes it has to be legal because in the Bible it says that Christians should obey the governing authorities.

My argument is that we did not break any laws, so we did not disobey the governing authorities. We just didn't have our union recognized by the government. There is a difference between breaking the law, and getting governmental recognition. For example there are many House Churches these days which are not recognized by the government as being churches, but the members of such a body are not breaking any law, they just are not being recognized by the government as a church. Is it necessary to be recognized by the government to have something be valid in the eyes of God? Why does God need the government's approval for anything? Why does God need men to join an union which only He can join? Is not God above all the governments of the world? And isn't a marriage a contract between two people, and not the government?

I read in a history book that in the middle ages these types of weddings happened all the time. Even the theologians of those times said that such weddings were binding. If there was a problem that arose the couple would present themselve before a group of clergymen, known as an ecclesiastical court, and depending on the circumstances involved the court would approve the marriage as binding. This situation only change in the 14th or 15th century because many people who were unhappy with their new spouse simply denied that the exchange of vows ever occurred. This caused problems to arise, so the Roman Catholic Church created laws on what would be necessary for marriage to be valid in the Catholic Church. The Church felt that it had the power to create these laws because of what Christ said to Peter about whatever he looses or binds on earth will be loosed and bound in heaven. But otherwise such unions were considered valid, because marriage is a contract between two people, and not the government.

Can you please tell me your thoughts on this issue?

Thank you
Josh



ANSWER: Josh,

Thank you for your though provoking question. However, before I answer I need to ask you a question. Are you, and your girlfriend Christians? This may seem like a "duh" question, but no where in your question did you say you were. And if you two are, would you please tell me how you both became Believers? The answer to these two questions will help me in answering you initial question. Thanks!

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Elder Greg Madden

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,

Thank you for your response. Yes we are both born again believers and we attend a local church. We were both saved years before we met.

The reason that we did not get married legally is because we are not ready for it for many reasons. We still need to go to marriage classes at our Church and we do not wish to have a justice of the peace wedding. We want our public wedding to be a Church wedding.

But my girlfriend is having financial problems and cannot afford her rent or even her living expenses. She really needs a roomate to help her pay her bills. She asked me to move in with her, but I did not wish to live in sin, so I thought of this as an alternative.

We are going to have a Church wedding later this year.

Thanks
Josh

ANSWER: Josh,

Sorry to take so long to get back with you. I work for a school and this is a busy time of the year for us. I thank you for answering my questions. I hope you don't mind, but I do have a couple more questions.

1. Have you made the commitment to each other that you spoke of in your original question?

2. Have you been sleeping together?

3. If yes to these questions, do you consider yourselves in a "common law" marriage?

Thank you for your patience.

Elder Greg

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Elder,

The answer to your first two questions is yes. We exchanged vows and we meant it. And we have been living as husband and wife ever since, but it hasn't been that long. The answer to the last question is hard to think about. A common law marriage is when a couple have been living together for 7 years. We have only been living together for 9 months. We exchanged vows in her living room in a very religious ceremony performed by me. Only the two of us were there. It is not recognized by the government at all but neither did we break any laws. In my eyes it is only regnized by us and by God, and by the people we have told, such as our families and friends. We will have a Church wedding this year.

Some Pastors say that you have to obey the laws of the state in every detail, such as wedding laws, but these same preachers break the speed limit every single day. The speed limit on most roads where I live is 25 mph, but I personally do not know one pastor who only drives 25 mph. I asked a pastor about it and he said that even if it's the law on paper, it's not enforced, so therefore the 25 mph speed limit is not the real law. I thought that that sounded like a rationalization and a cop out on his part so that he can break the speed limit on a daily basis and still talk the talk of people having to obey the law or be in sin. Yet my fiance and I did not break any laws at all, we just performed a marriage ceremony which is not recognized by the government, even though we plan a official wedding sometime soon. And when it comes to living as husband and wife in this country the state does not enforce marriage laws, just like they don't enforce the 25 mph speed limit. It sounds like hypocrisy to me to hear preachers telling me that I am living in sin because my marriage vows are not legally recognized, while they break the law on a daily basis. Breaking the speed limit might be minor, but isn't that still the law? It's the principle. I break the speed limit like everyone esle, and I agree that those are not real laws because they are not enforced, but at the same time I don't say that a wedding has to be legal to be valid, so at least I am not playing the hypocrite like many of these pastors are.

Thanks

Answer
Josh,

Thank you for your honest and forthright answers. I now have a better understanding of where you are coming from. Please understand that I do not doubt you and your fiance sincerity, and whether or not you both made a commitment to the Lord. But I believe that in the asking of this question (I've noticed that you have asked several others besides myself), the fact that you are still calling your fiance your "fiance" and not your "wife", and the fact that you guys are planing an official wedding sometime soon, points tp somewhere deep inside both of you know that you are doing wrong. As for myself, I am duty bound as a minister of the Gospel to speak the truth in love and to let you both know that your are wrong in your understanding of marriage and the ceremony.

Before I do, let me address the speeding law issue by saying that you are comparing apples and oranges. You are correct that it is wrong to knowingly speed. But two wrongs don't make a right. The Bible teaches us that it is also wrong when we know to do good, and don't do it (James 4:7). Such is the case with you and your fiance. You both are sensing that the decision was wrong, and are not seeking to either explain or justify that decision.

Josh, the real question is "What constitute a marriage according to the Bible?"

This is a difficult question to answer because the Bible nowhere explicitly states at what point God considers a couple to be married. There are three common viewpoints. (1) God only considers a couple married when the couple is legally married. (2) A couple is married in God’s eyes when they have completed some kind of formal wedding ceremony. (3) God considers a couple to be married at the moment the marriage is consummated (sexual intercourse). Let’s look at each of the three views and see what strengths and weaknesses each have.

(1) God only considers a couple married when the couple is legally married. The scriptural support typically given to this view are the verses that advocate submission to the government (Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:17). The argument is that if the government requires certain “paperwork” to be completed before a marriage is recognized, a couple should submit itself to whatever process the government requires. It is definitely biblical for a couple to submit to the government as long as the requirements do not contradict God’s Word and are reasonable.

There are some weaknesses and potential problems with this view. First, there were marriages before any government was organized. For thousands of years, people were getting married with no such thing as a marriage license. Second, even today, there are some countries that have no governmental recognition of marriage, and/or no legal requirements for marriage. Third, there are some governments that place unbiblical requirements on a marriage before it is legally recognized. As an example, there are countries that require a wedding to be held in a Catholic church, according to Catholic teachings, and overseen by a Catholic priest. Obviously, for those who have strong disagreements with the Catholic Church, including the Catholic sacramental understanding of marriage, it would be unbiblical to submit to being married in the Catholic Church.

(2) A couple is married in God’s eyes when they have completed some kind of formal wedding ceremony. Similar to how in many cultures a father gives away his daughter at the wedding, some interpreters understand God bringing Eve to Adam (Genesis 2:22) as God overseeing the first wedding “ceremony.” In John chapter 2, Jesus attended a wedding ceremony. Jesus would not have attended such an event if He did not approve of what was occurring. Jesus attending a wedding ceremony by no means indicates that God requires a wedding ceremony, but it most definitely does indicate that a wedding ceremony is acceptable in God’s sight. Nearly every culture in the history of humanity has had some kind of formal wedding ceremony. Throughout world history, and in nearly every major human civilization, there is something that occurs, such as an event, action, covenant, or proclamation, that is culturally recognized in declaring a man and woman to be married.

(3) God considers a couple to be married at the moment the marriage is consummated (sexual intercourse). There are some who argue that if any man and woman have sex, God considers the two of them to be married. Such a viewpoint is not biblically sound. The basis for this argument is the fact that sexual intercourse between a husband and wife is the ultimate fulfillment of the “one flesh” principle (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). In this sense, sexual intercourse is the final “seal” on a marriage covenant. However, if a couple is legally and ceremonially married, but for some reason is unable to engage in sexual intercourse, that does not mean they are not considered married.

It is not biblical to declare a couple that has had sexual intercourse, but has not observed any of the other aspects of a marriage covenant, as being married. Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 7:2 indicate that sex before marriage is immorality. If sexual intercourse causes a couple to become married, it could not be considered immoral, as the couple would be considered married the moment they engaged in sexual intercourse. There is absolutely no biblical basis for an unmarried couple having sex, then declaring themselves to be married, and thereby declaring future sexual relations to be moral and God-honoring.

So, what constitutes marriage in God’s eyes? It would seem that the following principles should be followed. (1) As long as the requirements are reasonable and not against the Bible, a couple should seek whatever formal governmental recognition that is available. (2) A couple should follow whatever cultural and familial practices are typically employed to recognize a couple as “officially married.” (3) If possible, a couple should consummate the marriage, fulfilling the physical aspect of the “one flesh” principle. http://www.gotquestions.org/marriage-constitutes.html

I hope this helps Josh. Please let me know if you have any further questions.

Elder Greg Madden