Expert: Rev. Stuart Woodward - 7/2/2008

Question
Hi Pastor,

I am having a lot of issues with forgiveness. I am a born again Christian, and I have been so for about 5 years or so.  But I am having problems forgiving people who have done me wrong in my life.  Not that I haven't tried.  I have tried very hard to forgive, but I just can't force myself to do it.  Some of the things these people did to me were horrible and still effect me today, to the point of which a day does not go by without me thinking about how I have been wronged.  These people did me wrong not because I deserved it, but because they simply wanted to get their kicks out of hurting me unjustly.  Lying to me, tricking me into doing things I didn't wish to do, etc., etc.  I just can't forgive, no matter how hard I try.  And I have tried and tried over and over again.  

Jesus said that if we do not forgive those who have traspassed against us neither will God forgive our sins...does that mean that I'm not saved?  Does that mean that God does not forgive my sins when I confess them to Him?  Am I without God's forgiveness just because I am unable to seriously force myself to forgive many of the people who did me wrong.  I know what Jesus says about forgiveness, and that I should pray for those who spitefully use me, like these people did.  But I can't force myself to do it.  I just can't, no matter how much I try, and part of it is because some of the things these people did to me still effect me to this day, on a day to day basis, 18 years later.  

Am I unforgiven? Can I be forgiven?  What am I to do?  I have tried and tried to forgive from my heart, and I just can't do it.  I can lie to myself and say that I forgive, but in reality I don't.  I can't live a lie.  I have to be honest to myself and realize that I still hate these people and wish they would all burn in hellll.  

-Erik

Answer
Hello Erik,
Thank you for your question. Sadly your problem is one with which many people wrestle. I have had to help people with the issues of forgiveness who have been vilely treated, even some who have been raped.
There are some misunderstandings about forgiveness.
To forgive is not to pretend that wrong was not important.
To forgive is not at first or even primarily a feeling.
Forgiveness is fundamentally a choice. It is a choice not to act in any way other than for the wellbeing of the people concerned. Sometimes that choice has to be made when every feeling we have wants the opposite. Feelings such as they are may or may not eventually come in line with the choices but the choice is the root.
Why forgive?
There are two big reasons.
1. God has forgiven you. Are we really to imply that our sin against God somehow is less serious than the wrong we have experienced? If so it makes a nonsense of the cross which was the price of our forgiveness. We forgive not because the sin isn't serious but because God forgave us when our sin was serious.
2. Not to forgive only damages yourself (and keeps you imprisoned)and so you actually add to the wrong done to you by a refusal to forgive.
Then there are other issues:
By forgiving we heap 'coals of fire' on the heads of those who have wronged us. This is not to be our motive but when we forgive the full brunt of the wrong has to be answered for by the people concerned before God.
In other words by having a forgiving spirit can only benefit those we forgive if they come to repentance (which we want), otherwise it adds to their guilt.
Finally.
The reason Jesus said that if we did not forgive others we would not be forgiven is because, as I have pointed out, at root refusing to forgive means we do not consider our own sin to be serious.
You have been deeply hurt by others. That is clear. The first thing you need to experience is the healing that God brings by His Spirit. Draw closer to God and He will give you the courage to make the right choices.
Corrie Ten Boom wrote a wonderful book called 'The Hiding Place' which tells of her horrific experiences in a German concentration camp and the struggle she had to forgive one of the guards who she later met. If you can get a copy you might find it helpful.
I hope my comments are of some help and that God will give you all the grace you need.
Stuart Woodward