Expert: Mrs. Priscilla Lyons - 10/18/2009

Question
My question is the following: If one is a reprobate and is conscious of this fact, what can or should one do next?
I’m a Christian all my life, I’m currently 25 and it doesn’t seem that I will leave this world for a while, though sometimes I would wish things would turn out otherwise.
I can say a lot of bad things about myself, but one thing is certain. I’m not a dumb man, I can easily see things from a logical and unbiased point of view if I make the effort to do so. I know the Bible well, it took some self-honesty and intellectual effort, but after a while it finally got through my self-centered skull that I actually am one of those “reprobates” we hear about so often, but rarely identify with.

While from an intellectual point of view I’m certain of God’s existence and the truth behind the Baptist faith, I have never directly experienced God’s presence. When I was younger I brushed this off as a sort of thing that only happens to older or exceptionally blessed people. That feeling the presence of God is something special, a rare gift. It took me a while to realize that this is not so, that the vast majority of good people I know actually experience this on a constant basis.
I don’t feel the presence of God. I never heard his voice. Each time I am praying, I realize that I’m talking to myself.

I fancy myself as a successful and capable man, but not particularly noble or just. Even my friends know they would lie if they called me a “good man”.

“And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient” – never have I heard a better description of myself.

I have a natural tendency to abhor and despise a lot of what makes the core of a good Christian. I hate work, I would do everything I could to just earn money without doing anything (actually I come real close to that in real life). I despise the prospect of marriage. The very idea of being stuck with one and the same woman for the rest of my life seems like a real nightmare.

I hate turning the other cheek, more than anything else really. If someone proverbially hits me, I feel a very strong desire to hit him 20 times harder than he hit me and even that isn’t always enough. I always prefer to dish out a lot more damage in return than the damage I receive. It helps me keep people off my back, it keeps me in control. Whenever I find myself in a situation when I cannot for some reason return the proverbial blow, I feel great anger, disappointment, hate and frustration. Being unable to return the blow seems to me like the utmost unnatural, hideous situation. Turning the other cheek is the very antithesis of who I am. I could mention that I greatly enjoy casual sex, theft and duping other people, but that’s all common stuff I believe.

“They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.” – Yeah, that seems to describe me pretty well.

Every day when I wake up, I curse the moment God created me and the earth. If I could undo all creation, God knows I would do it. I can’t force myself to love a God who created a world in which predestination, pain, hate and suffering are possible. The very fact that an almighty God allowed this world to exist makes my blood boil. No, I cannot love him for that. It’s not a case of choice; it’s a case of fact.

I actually wish I was a soulless being like a cat or a dog. That after death I would just fade away and wouldn’t have to bother with all that “God, Satan and hell” fuss.
In spite of all this, I find the Baptist beliefs to be perfectly logical and coherent; it’s just that I can’t consider God to be a beneficial force here, at least not from my point of view. This in turn is again perfectly logical, assuming I’m a reprobate. After all, aren’t reprobates made to hate the Lord and creation? Aren’t reprobates made to like sin and enjoy it like I do? Isn’t it written:”Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.”?
Some would probably say that I’m depressed, but I know that it’s not true. I’m actually quite content with what I have here on earth.

“Examine yourselves, whether ye are in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?”

I think I had a lot of time to examine myself and come to the inevitable conclusion that God had not rejected me. It makes sense, since if everyone was an elect then what would be Hell and Satan useful for? God doesn’t create useless things, hell is not meant to be empty, it is logical that someone has to end up there.

The question remains – what is there left to be done if it is you who will end up there? There is little said about the “way of the reprobate” so to speak. There is some absurd and hurrah-optimistic assumption that all churchgoing Baptists are “doomed” to be the elect, while none of them could possible turn out to be a reprobate.

This I find utterly stupid. I’m as certain that I’m a reprobate as any sane, intelligent and normal man could ever be. I know myself well, I am unable to change my ways. I’m perfectly unable (and unwilling I should add) to love God. However I naturally don’t feel like paying Hell a visit, though this is only because I want to avoid suffering like every rational man, reprobate or elect, would. If hell was a place full of pleasure, or at least “neutral” like earth is, I wouldn’t really have a problem with going there. Praying to God for forgiveness would be hypocritical here, he neither seems to want to hear me, nor do I want to speak to him either.

I don’t want to meet Mr. God; I just don’t want to meet Mr. Satan.

So, what else is there to do?

Answer
Dear Jan,
   Thank you for writing.  Maybe I can give you a few thoughts to try to make sense of this existence from God's perspective.
   Darkness is measured by the absence of, or distance from light.  Cold is measured by the absence of heat.  Hell, pain, death, suffering, hate, etc. are originally caused by absence of, or distance from God, the Source of LIFE, LOVE, LIGHT and every good thing. (James 1:17)  If God forced humans to be perfect, then He would not be true to His character of love, because love is a choice.
   In this short physical existence, God allows His goodness to be compared to the absence of His goodness, Matthew 5:45, so we have a true choice to believe His authority is best or to reject Him.  He allows people to use and enjoy His wonderful gifts apart from Him, to learn that only living through Him does creation function as it was intended, a reflection of His image. (Genesis 1:26)
   It's good that you recognize your lack of goodness.  Sometimes people fool themselves by their "goodness," which is worthless apart from our Source. (Isaiah 64:6)  We all fall short of perfection (Rom.3:23), the point being to recognize our need for God's salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord, Rom.6:23.  II Peter 3:9 assures us (in spite of some interpretations of predestination) that the Lord "is long-suffering to us-ward, not willing that ANY should perish, but that ALL should come to repentance."
   Not even wanting to be good and loving, no doubt makes it difficult for you to have faith that asking God to forgive your sins so He can live in and through you, would make any difference.  When I doubt that my feelings of frustration or selfishness can ever change, I remind myself to have faith in the Authority capable of our sun's powerful rays; capable of faithfully returning leaves to a tree after a long winter; and capable of showing His love through my life (and changing my feelings).  Galatians 2:20 "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet not I but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself for me."
   I pray for you and welcome your response, if you'd like to write back.