Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 5/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am 24 my husband and I have been together since we were 16. We were married right out of high school and had our first child, since then we had another. Long story short he told me last March he has been cheating on me ever since we starting dating and only married me because everyone kept telling him i was a good girl and he felt like he had to. He has cheated on me with 11 girls total and 8 of them were while we were married and 2 of those were my friends. I stayed with him, but things aren't any better, there is no trust, i cry every time we have intercourse,I cant get that night out of my mind, and ALL i think about is him cheating, i am very unhappy but we cant afford a divorce.My ? is - is it still adultery if i have a relationship with someone else even though he did it first and we are planning on divorce, but not legally divorced yet? And if temptation gets the best of me will i be forgiven if i have sex with another man knowing it wrong? please help.

ANSWER: Blessings and thank you for your question.  I am sorry for your failing marriage and the hurt you have had to endure.

First of all, let's talk about divorce.  Divorce is a sin.  When God created marriage, he intended for 2 people to be together until death.  Divorce came into the picture when sin entered the marriage.  God gave permission for people to divorce when their partner was unfaithful.  By the time of Jesus, divorce was a big problem.  Many Jewish men would marry prostitutes for a night and divorce them the next morning.  This enabled them to get what they wanted without breaking the law.  

Jesus saw the hardening of their hearts and pointed out that marriage was a sacred vow.  Divorce should only happen in the severest of cases.  

Divorce is not a sin only if your partner was unfaithful or if your partner is not a Christian and wishes to divorce.  Now I don't think God would want someone to stay in a marriage where they are being abused.  So each case of divorce should be looked at individually.

While divorce is a sin, it is not an unforgivable sin.  I believe that if a person is in relationship with Christ, repents and asks the Father for forgiveness, then the Father forgives that person.  Then they are free to marry again.    

Marriage is sacred.  Unfortunately we live in a time when a vow for life no longer means anything.  So many people go into a marriage thinking they will divorce if it doesn’t work out.  Divorce should only happen in extreme circumstances.  

Scripture on Divorce:  Exodus 21:10-11; Ezra 10:1-6; Deuteronomy 24:1-4; Isaiah 54:6; Jeremiah 3:1, 20; Hosea 2:7. Malachi 2:13-16; Matthew 1:19, 5:31-32, 19:3-9 24:37-38; Mark 10:2-12; Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:1-16; 2 Timothy 3:3

In your situation, you have a Biblical reason to divorce because of his unfaithfulness.  

2.  Dating and Sex:  you should not be dating at all while you are still married.  I understand that you are saying you can't afford a divorce, but more sin (dating and sex with someone else) is not the answer either.  

Any sex outside of a marriage relationship is adultery and sin.  No matter how you try to rationalize it, it is still sin.  

3.  HURT and Forgiveness:  You are carrying a lot of hurt and pain now. You have every right to be.  However, you need to work through these things before you get serious in an another relationship.  If you don't, then you will find yourself in the same situation in a few years.  Forgiveness leads to wholeness, you cannot even begin to think about forgiveness until you have dealt with the pain and hurt.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I pray that God leads you down the right path.  Blessings

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have been praying and praying for a sign or direction on my problem, and another man has came into my life. My husband and i aren't doing any better. The other man treats me like a queen, could this be a sign from God that things are over between me and my husband? I feel terrible about talking to this other man while I'm still married but he makes me feel so special and I have prayed for forgivness for talking to him and directions("Lord if it is wrong to be with this man please take this temptation away from me".is what i would pray) from God with him too and me and him seem to be getting closer? Will God forgive me for falling into this weekness? Could it really be my sign?

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your question.

I am sorry to hear that your marriage has not improved.  

God never changes.  That means for Him, if it was wrong yesterday then it is wrong today.  God would never bring another man into your life in order to give you an excuse to divorce.  For God, divorce is sin and God will never instruct you to sin.  So this man is not a sign from God.  IF anything, this is a temptation from the enemy.

God always forgives a repentive heart.  But you cannot expect forgiveness when you are in the middle of the sin.

One thing I did not tell you before.  Over the years I have read that 90% of ALL relationships that begin with adultery end up in another failed relationship.  I have found though that it is actually higher than that.  In fact, of all the couples I know or have counseled with, I have not seen a single one that began with adultery and lasted.  That means, if you begin this relationship with sin, then don't expect it to last either.


My heart cries out for you.  I know that you want a lasting loving relationship.  I pray that you make the right decision.

Blessings