Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 4/9/2009

Question
RE:  Baptist doctrine stating "a wife must submit to her husband"

Our daughter, who is 22, finds great fault with this statement and what it means to her.
She was raised in a Baptist Church and then one day she stated that she did not want to go to church because she read that they had adopted this doctrine.  Nothing we say to discuss the matter with change her mind.  She just says that it is an upsetting subject and does not want to discuss it.
 She is a graduate from college, has a great job, and is single.  She is a very good person and lives right, but I can't seem to reach her on this subject.  It hurts us (her parents) that she feels this way and will not go to church with us.  Do you have any suggestions?  B

Answer
I changed this to public because it is an issue that many face and it is a doctrine that is somewhat misunderstood as people tend to look at the ones who abuse the doctrine and reject it because of the abuses as much as because they themselves tend to reject authority of any kind.

I take it that you practice the doctrine and I trust correctly.  I don't know if this is Dad or Mom that I am speaking with but if Mom is following the doctrine ask Daughter if she sees any lack of love or abuse towards Mom from Dad because of this doctrine.  If not, then ask her to explain what her issues are and if none are in your relationship you can point to that and say when it is done biblically it is a freeing situation for a woman, not a enslavement. Indeed, God comes to the husband to not only to account for his owns sins and actions but the wife's and kid's as well.  Yes, they are still personally accountable BUT Dad has the buck stop at his feet as the head of the family.  Whoo-hoo, that is a thrill.  I see the headship being a part of the curse for the man not a boon.

Ask if she was submissive to her professors and fulfilled the requirements of the courses.  If she graduated, she obviously did.  Was that not unfair, demeaning and degrading to her as woman to so.  

If she is working does she not submit to the desires of her bosses?  How degrading to be submissive to an employer and his/HER rules.  Where is her own identity in that?  Does that not upset her?  We are all submissive to someone and really to many people and entities.

If Dad treats Mom with love and respect and has shown love to his daughter, who had to obey his rules in her childhood, then what is so terrible about being submissive to a husband?  

Ideally, a man is to represent Christ to his wife and love her enough to be willing to die for her.  In return, the wife, who represents the Church, is submissive to his will (though the Church is often rebellious) in gratitude for the the love and grace shown to Her by Christ.  If a woman has a man that loves her that much would it be so hard to allow him to be the leader of the family?  

When I was in the military if there were two people assigned to a project one was called the project head or some other fancy title but the idea was that person was the contact for information about the project and responsible for its completion be it sucessful or a failure. Often both people were of the same career field and even the same rank.  Their backgrounds and talents may be equal.  The decision was often based upon date of rank.  If COL A was made a COL on July 1, 1975 and COL B was promoted on June 30, 1975 then COL B was placed as project head or in command of the project.  For all intents and purposes they were equal but that one day difference in rank gave COL B the head position.  There was no sense of inferiority or oppression or anything else that some might use against the submission doctrine.  In case of disagreement, someone had to have the tie breaker or final say.  COL B got that by date of rank.   

The word submit is a military term meaning to rank under. Adam was created before Eve. He had date of rank.  God said Eve was made of a rib, not a foot bone to be below Adam and to walked on nor out of a skull bone to be above him.  The rib places them together side by side. All organizations have to have some sort of order or hierarchy to function properly and profitably.  A marriage and family is no different.  The ranking order goes; God, Man, Wife, Children.  If everybody is obedient to God and fulfills their roles within their rank family life is glorious.  It is insubordination that causes the insubordination and before their is insubordination of a wife or child or abdication of leadership by the man there is an insubordination to God first.  Your daughter's biggest problem is with God not any one doctrine. When gets past her insubordination to Him the rest of life will fall into place.

A helpmeet or a help fit means that the man has certain gifts and abilities and so does the woman.  In an ideal marriage those gifts complement each other and make the pair stronger together than they would be apart.  Maybe his strengths are her weaknesses and her strengths are his weaknesses. Or they may be similar strengths but of different facets that perfect the strengths and in that state their weaknesses are also strengthened.  

My wife does our finances because she is better at it then I am though some would demand the man do them.  Well, if I were we might be in bankruptcy whereas we are nearly debt free. Even a head of a company, if he is wise, uses his personnel and assets to the best advantage of the company. I may be head of the house but I have enough of a head on my shoulders to use my wife's gifts to better US so that we can keep a house over our heads rather being in debt over our heads.

Problems come because people "fall in love" for the wrong reasons or for lust and marry people that are not fit matches for them.  Sometimes complete opposites work because of the strength weakness balance principle.  Other times they tear a couple apart because they have no commonality other than "great sex" or the gifts just weren't meant to be together and then we have divorce and bitterness followed by a string of bad relationships often ending in a life alone.  The other side is two people stay married but are miserable and are more in a business relationship rather than the two becoming one as God intended.

I am sure she heard plenty of women's liberation chats in class as well as in the sorority house.  One of my lady doctor's spoke to the idea of hyphenating names by saying. "Why do they find that so liberating?  They now have two men's names, their father's and their husband's."  I never thought of that but she is right.  Some have skipped the hyphenation and have replaced their middle name with their maiden name and in essence losing more of their own identity since they have surrendered their given name to have two men's names.  It is all such folly.  In my book I say that if one is Smith and the other is Wesson and the lady just can't stand to take the husband's name then both of take the name Gunn giving them each a new identity and yet being one as God intended rather than a business merger of assets.  

I would suggest that you just pray a hedge around your daughter to keep her from evil influences and to hedge her in so that she has to find her happiness by returning to God.  The link is to my sermon on Hedges. This is a recent one so God must have known you would be writing so I could share this with you.

http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermon.asp?SermonID=132827

22 is still young. I was not saved until I was 22.  Keep praying for her as a prodigal and after a bit of time with the pigs she may come running back.  Just be there to welcome her.  Love her and protect the relationship without compromising your values or His Word and let Him work in her life.  I know that sounds easy but hard to do but it is the only way.  God and her need a serious one-on-one about a few things and He is faithful so have faith.  

Father, I ask that you place a hedge of thorns around this young lady so that no evil can reach her and that her way is blocked on all sides except for the narrow path that leads to you.  Keep her safe but speak to her heart gently or roughly, whatever she needs to hear.  Grant her parents patience as they are still and know that You are God and You will take up the battle if they let You!  You love their daughter more than they do so we turn her over to You.  In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Blessings to you as you seek His will through His Word!